Wow, I have a blog??

I completely forgot that I had a blog! It's not that much of a shock...that I forgot. I can't seem to remember much of anything these days without writing it down, and even then I may not remember what I was wanting myself to remember when I wrote it down. I am fairly certain this is a direct effect of too much stress and my brain is shutting down/limiting function to protect itself from the ridiculously high levels of cortisol. (I just Googled it. I am partly right. And also now concerned that maybe my brain is shrinking and this is why I can't remember much and am in a perpetual brain fog that is rivaling anything I experienced when I was pregnant.) The thing is, I have to muddle through and function anyway. So I do. Because the alternative isn't an option.

It has been at least 6 months since I had a suicidal thought. And it's funny to me that it has been a relatively short amount of time given what I am going through at the moment. My mortality has been thrown in my face recently, and now,  not only do I not want to die, I want to live better and with even more intention and consideration that ever. My suicidal thoughts are never very complex. I usually think about how tired I am and how I have nothing left to contribute and will become a burden on all who know me. And then I picture something absurd like crashing my car into a concrete barrier. And then I think to myself, this is insanity and things are not bad enough to warrant action like this. So I move on with my thoughts, usually to something like wondering what we will have for dinner, because that is what life is really all about- making small decisions that have larger implications, like what to have for dinner, whether or not the car can go a few more miles on the gallon of gas left in the tank, etcetera, etcetera.

But back to living and wanting to do it better. It has always been important to be kind and to leave the world a place that is improved because of my having lived in it. It has always mattered that what I do with my days makes others' lives easier and more wonderful somehow. Above all, it has always been crucial to live in a way that aligns with my values and my truth so that I am spending my valuable time on that which I place a high priority and not wasting my time with things that will not matter in the long run. Now, I just have to be better and beat my previous version of myself at living well, being kind, and helping others. The fact that I am older and wiser than I was even just 10 minutes ago means I should be able to do this with some level of success, right?

Part of living better is about truly being in the moment, which is something I have always struggled to do as a result of an emotionally traumatic childhood. One of the gifts of said childhood was a wonderful ability to go elsewhere in my head as a way to get through difficult circumstances. But it doesn't turn off when I want it to, necessarily, so mindfulness is always a challenge. Even when I am enjoying myself and loving what is happening, I am not necessarily present. So that is an area of focus for this Life 2.0 project I'm starting.

Another tenet of living better is making sure I am not only spending time with those I love or with those from whom I can learn and grow, but also explicitly stating my feelings so these people know how much I love and value them. It is saying thank you for little things and not just gifts or actions that normally warrant a display of gratitude. It is no longer taking it for granted that people know how I feel. It is being mushy, deep, and sugary sweet.

Probably the most vital piece of Life 2.0 is being more discerning about what matters in an effort to get the most bang for my buck when it comes to time. Arguing over what to watch on television? Not important. Watching television together? More important. Making sure all of my work is done before listening to my son tell me everything I never wanted to know about the anime show he is watching? Not important. Listening to my son tell me everything I never wanted to know about the anime show and more? More important.

I might die before I get to be much older and get to the fabled "Someday" we all think about. Any of us might. My new question that I ask myself is, "Will this matter if my world ends tomorrow?" Usually, the answer is no. So I need to do the things that warrant an answer of yes.

Different Shades of Orange

Different shades, tints, and hues of orange have different meanings. For example, dark orange may represent deceit and distrust, while red-orange relates to passion, pleasure, desire, aggression, domination, and action, and a golden orange often stands for prestige, wisdom, illumination, wealth, and quality. A light orange or peach color tend to be more friendly and soothing.
From http://www.bourncreative.com/meaning-of-the-color-orange

Privacy Preferences

It's been a while since I wrote. Tons has happened, as usual, but I'm not really in the mood to go over it all.  Speaking of my mood, it has been fairly stable, save for the monthly roller coaster that is commonly known as PMS. In a nutshell, I still have the same job, same husband, same son, same house, and same dog as the last time I wrote. The differences in my life include the shedding of old things: got rid of the old car for a new one, and lost 40 pounds without making any serious effort (I'll share more about the state of my health at another time).

I read yesterday in my most favorite magazine ever, O Magazine, about one writer's way to keep journaling about her life daily without it becoming an overwhelming activity with all the qualities of a burdensome task (think: trip to DMV) instead of it being a way to relax and unwind. I stopped feeling bad about not writing enough a long time ago, but I do recognize regular writing's value, so it's worth a shot, right? It involves a synopsis of the day by creating a list of five things that happened and that matter most...a summary of the worst to the best. So I'll be attempting to do that on a mostly-daily basis (I find that in non-urgent matters, the lower I set my expectations, the more pleasantly surprised I am in the end).

Before I get to my list for the week (because I just decided, as I was typing, that a weekly list might actually happen instead of being a lofty goal), I need to speak to the recent desire for privacy that I have acquired. I don't know if it's because I'm a whopping 34 now, but I'm more determined than ever to keep certain things private for the safety of my family. (Actually, I know exactly was prompted this. It's 13 years of being married to my paranoid husband, during which roughly 12 of those years I have been a cop's wife; and as the straw that broke the camel's back, seeing the movie, End of Watch, which was good for me to see, because it affirmed a lot of how I think, but was also bad for me to see because it affirmed a lot of how I think. I have never had the whole "it can't happen to me" mentality, and now I've wholeheartedly adopted an "it's only a matter of time" philosophy that surprisingly, has been endorsed by my psychiatrist as a healthy way to be prepared.)

The Internet has made it convenient to share things with family members on the other side of the country, as well as the other side of the globe, and with friends who are all over the place. But it may be time to rethink what is shared and limit it a lot more. It saddens me, because I am not one of those people who needs privacy for the sake of privacy. Rather, I need a certain level of privacy to protect my child and others from the scary people my husband encounters in his line of work. I am irritated by the Google search that I did this morning, because it turns out that my privacy has been violated, and for the life of me, I don't know how it happened. I have to say, I have Googled myself in the past because I was curious, but for the last few months or so, it has become customary to Google the names of family members to make sure that there isn't anything out there that shouldn't be out there. (I like to think of myself as the queen of turning on every possible privacy feature available.) When I saw the pictures that should not have shown up on a Google search, I immediately went to the sites where the pictures were accessible and read through the very confusing and not-at-all-helpful directions for how to keep the pictures from appearing to the public-at-large. As I type, I have still not quite followed all of the directions, because I am still not sure to what buttons/links the directions are referring, but I will figure it out. Or I will delete all those accounts. I've already quit using Google+. I abhor the "public information" sites that collect all of the information people would normally have to actually work to find and make them readily available with a search of a name.

But enough about that (my blood pressure has risen). Here's my list for the week:

• A parent who has been insinuating I am a heartless, militant, incompetent educator sent an e-mail pretty much acknowledging an understanding of everything I've said since the beginning of the year. Said parent also gave me glowing ratings on the parent survey. (On the last round of parent surveys, I had the best ratings I've ever had.)
• My homeroom class follows the procedures I've been teaching all year without a need for my interference, and works together as a community.
• My son and I made my husband feel loved for his birthday. We made him a special poster (I use the term, "we," loosely) and got him funny cards. We also got a yummy cake from Coldstone Creamery...and I will definitely get more cakes from there in the future!
• I had insomnia. I'm tired.
• I'm excited about booking The North Pole Experience!!

Stop Thinking, Start Feeling: Take Your Hurts to Your Heart - Beyond Blue

Stop Thinking, Start Feeling: Take Your Hurts to Your Heart - Beyond Blue:

'via Blog this'

This is one of the best things I have ever read in regards to how to handle emotions!