Me and My Marriage

There are many things in adult life that require preparation, and as a result, we spend much of our youth studying and learning in order to be as ready as possible for “real life.” But I think that maybe we’re spending our time on the wrong things. Take for instance, marriage. There aren’t any classes, from the elementary to the high school levels (and I can’t think of any in college either, but if I’m wrong, please enlighten me…and no, Sociology of Marriage doesn’t count because it studies marriage from an outsider’s viewpoint), that address the experience that is marriage. Sure, some would argue that learning to share crayons or to work cooperatively in groups leads to grown-ups (including those who get married) who have social skills, which are certainly necessary for marriage, as well as any relationship. However, we are all gypped by the absence of any class in the thirteen-plus years called our “education” that deals explicitly with how to have a pleasant marriage. By posting this blog entry and suggesting that I could benefit from such a course, I am admitting (without shame or guilt, I might add) that my marriage is sometimes not pleasant. This is not to say that it’s never pleasant; it’s just plagued a little too often by what I like to call Life (with a capital L because of its overbearing and immediate urgency that makes doing anything else impossible and unwise). My marriage was consistently pleasant for quite a while…before it existed anywhere but in my head! I could blame Hollywood, with its writers and directors and actors and producers who sell these movies and television shows that depict married life as some kind of journey of bliss to a destination called “Happily Ever After.” But that would be too easy. And it would get me no closer to my goal of a marriage that doesn’t ever make me think that swimming in an alligator-infested lake would be a lot more fun than being legally bound, “til death do us part,” to my husband.

 

I’ve come up with a series of courses that would be very helpful. All of these would be taken PRIOR to marriage (this would be a requirement for a marriage license, as would be a psychiatric evaluation and a pedigree chart of some kind, because that would be very helpful information!), and would all be taught by people who have been married at least 35 consecutive years to the same person. The instructors, in addition to their experience due to the lengths of their marriages, would also have considered divorce at least once, would have at least one child that they raised with their spouse, and would have had to deal with the realities of large, joint financial responsibilities, and in-laws. There would also be teachers with special experience who could enlighten us on how being married to a law enforcement officer, teacher, doctor, or mob boss (or anyone else with a life-encompassing job and/or schedule) affects the marital relationship in exceptional ways.

Pleasant Marriage 101 would deal with topics that are crucial to marital harmony, such as how to divide the household chores fairly, why putting the toilet seat down is hygienically necessary, how to separate laundry, picking up after one’s self, and how to interpret grunts, shrugs, evil looks, and blank stares.

Pleasant Marriage 102 would delve deeper into the topics that 101 introduced, but would also address how to accept an apology, how to make an apology, how to forgive, and how to make meaningful gestures of kindness.

Once people exhibited mastery of the tips revealed in 101 and 102, they could move on to Pleasant Marriage 201, which would be a semester-long course in why it’s a bad idea to interpret anything your spouse says, and would teach how to communicate clearly and honestly.

Pleasant Marriage 202 would then cover exceptions to the teachings of 201. (Because the truth is, sometimes communicating honestly is cruel. Like when, in our first or second year of marriage, my beloved husband told me that sometimes he tunes out while I’m talking. He should never have told me that.)

Pleasant Marriage 301 and 302 would exclusively address childbearing and its effects on marriage. One of the class’s pearls of wisdom will be to get all the crazy stuff out of your systems before a little bundle of joy makes its way into your life, because CPS frowns upon parents who do crazy things. And there would also be helpful snippets, like how to deal with paranoia and vomiting in public.

Pleasant Marriage 401 would be about major purchases and how to avoid an interruption in the pleasant-ness of your marriage because of them.

Pleasant Marriage 402 would be about how to preserve domestic harmony (in other words, how to come up with the money to hire help, and where to look to find the perfect house cleaner, nanny, cook, yard maintenance crew, or whoever else you might need so that you don’t argue over who should be taking care of these things).

Once students progressed successfully through 402, they would have to complete some kind of practicum/apprenticeship (with the person they’re considering marrying) for a minimum of  24 months (which is a relatively short time if you consider the amount of time that is really involved in spending the rest of your life with someone), during which time they’d have a mentor who would be watching for effective use of strategies and skills learned in the Pleasant Marriage classes. Upon successful completion of the practicum (which would happen as long as no one was murdered and the two people are still together and still want to get married), you could get married.

 

This is just a sample of the kinds of things I think about on Sunday afternoons…..