I didn't go to work today. Alex woke up with a very stuffy nose, redness around his eyes, and a fever. We spent the early morning arguing (actually, he argued as I placed a cup of juice on the table and walked away) over whether he should have chocolate milk or apple juice....then I went to school to make sure a sub plan was in place....then I came home and after doses of Claritin and Tylenol, he felt better enough to join me in playing Lego Star Wars II on the Game Cube. We just woke up from a nap, and now he is lethargically sitting on the rocking chair, watching The Fairly Oddparents.
Since I have some time, I decided to go through my e-mail Inbox (now up to an unbelievable 750 new messages, most of which are not urgent...obviously...) and start with the oldest messages first. I came across an e-mail I'd sent myself, back in February, with a few items for my to-do list: e-mail a teacher about some accomodations for a student (check), and blog about an article I read in O Magazine (not check). My actual to-do list exists in physical form and has been transferred to about three different places over the course of six years. Currently, it is a small, black memo book that I carry around in my purse- the book also serves as a place to write down things I don't want to forget (though I suppose I could enter this into my calendar on my phone...there's just something lovely about writing on paper!).
The article, written by O's regular contributing life coach, Martha Beck, was about three different ways to approach even the most unpleasant of situations and/or people: love it, leave it, or lead it (I will say now that I could be interpreting her message incorrectly; after all, it has been about half-a-year since I read it). What made such an impression on me was that there are actually ALWAYS three different ways to respond- and there is no one best way. How we respond very much depends on who we are, what we're encountering, and whatever else is affecting us at any given moment. When we are aware of this, we will always make a good choice because as I said above, none of the three options is best, and none of them is horrible, given we are acting as kindly as possible.
For instance, when someone (let's say George) has a problem and wants to hear the world's smallest violin, instead of half-heartedly listening I could be George's cheerleader and encourage him to look for the silver lining of his issue. I could love it, love George, love everything....love.....love......love. This response would likely cause him to stop talking to me in disgust...and then I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore. Granted, this is not the "nice" thing to do, BUT there are times when listening to someone complain about a problem that they've complained about every day for the last two weeks wears you down. Especially when you started out listening empathically, brainstormed and offered several viable solutions, and then encouraged and supported George's choosing and following through on a solution. Obviously, George doesn't want to do anything about his problem OR he hasn't realized that complaining has become a habit for him. Either way, if I love his complaining to death, he'll stop.
There are times when it is appropriate to "leave it," though. For instance, I get very weighed down when I stop to consider the problems of the world. This is especially true whenever those problems seem to be affecting one of my students and I am powerless (meaning I can't mandate 100 hours of parenting classes) to do anything. In order to stay sane, I have to leave the problems alone and move on. This is one of my favorite ideas- to let go and move on. Moving on means I can focus on what actions to take and to have some hope- instead of being mired down by all the yuckiness that is poverty and ignorance and a general lack of time.
Finally, the third option is to lead the situation/person to a different place. It requires a commitment of time, effort, and patience, and I think this option offers most in terms of making human connections and personal growth. Martha Beck's article wasn't written to inspire others (at least, I don't think it was); instead, it was offered as a practical way to deal with life's issues disguised as complainers and uncomfortable events. Still, I came away with the idea that if more of us took the time to lead situations/people, the world would be a better place. Unfortunately, not all of us do this- perhaps this is why we're not all canonized as saints?- and maybe that's the best part of being human. We have so many demands on our time and our thoughts- but we also have the freedom to devote ourselves to what we care about most. And since we are all different, so too are our passions. I'm finding that as I get older, I understand better why I can't accomplish everything I would love to do. It's because in the end, I only "lead it" when it really, truly matters to me; otherwise, I'll "love it" or I'll "leave it."
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