The joys of the holidays...and other things

Here’s to 2008- may it be as varied and educational as 2007, but without the major depressive episode. Cheers!

I haven’t made any resolutions. George asked me if I had when we went out to dinner (alone! Without Alex!) the Sunday before New Year’s. I said I hadn’t because I have a mental list (in my head) of things I need to work on, so making resolutions would only add to an already long list and curse said list to be abandoned two weeks into the year. So now it’s time to share my list and report a bit on the progress:

My Improvement-NOT-Resolution List (items not listed in any particular order)

© Drink more water. I’ve been working on this particular goal since pregnancy, because there was a nurse in my OB’s office who scolded me whenever my urine had high levels of ketones, which indicates an absence of hydration. While I drink tons more water than I did during my pregnancy (also necessary because of post-baby constipation that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy), I don’t think I drink even 32 oz. a day. Sad, I know.

© Exercise more. This is a no brainer. I’ve always hated to run, but actually used to work out (I know, it’s amazing!). I used to love to go to the gym (until a woman’s body was found outside of the LA Fitness I frequented) and I used to drag myself there after work. Before I graduated from college, I spent lots of time at the SRC (Student Rec Center), which I loved, loved, loved. Alas, the most exercise I get now is the chasing/carrying/watching of Alex, and the occasional walk around the neighborhood with the family. I’m a couch potato, which is pathetic.

© Be better “put together.” On days when I’m tired and/or ill, anyone can tell because I don’t wear my contacts, do my hair, wear jewelry, or wear makeup. And the clothes are usually the bummiest (is that even a word?) I own. But I know that when I look good, it affects how I feel, so putting myself together well can help me to a)hide how tired/ill I am and b)make me feel a bit better.

© Control my emotions by controlling my thinking. This one comes from my stint in group therapy, and it’s AMAZING how powerful controlling my thinking is turning out to be. I’m not wasting my time by getting worked up (as much), and I’m more appreciative, empathetic, and confident. But I still have some work to do in this area. Mostly, I need to stop overanalyzing everything and create more definite boundaries.

© Get a graduate degree. I started a doctoral program…and then stopped. And then I started it again. And then stopped again. Each time, it was clear that I felt guilty about spending so much time and money on a pursuit that wasn’t about Alex. And then one day, I realized that Alex won’t be a little, demanding, bossy boy forever. He might not even want me to play trains with him. So I’ll finish my doctorate then. It’ll give me something to do while I mourn the fact that most boys grow up to be men who don’t have relationships with their mothers like the ones daughters have with their mothers (as it should be, because in my experience, a man who is too attached to his mother is about as useful as a fire with no heat on a cold day). And I found out that the company that now owns Rancho Solano will pay for my Masters degree. No need to feel guilty about money!

© Love my body. Sometimes (and I know this is going to sound weird), I have moments when I am so comfortable with myself (flaws and all) when I look in the mirror that it seems this particular goal is unnecessary. But the moments never last long before they are pushed out by anxiety about what other people think about how I look, or nostalgic thoughts about how I used to look or what size I used to be. But it’s important. Because my body is going to be a major part of my life until I die. Might as well make peace with it, right?

I have been on Winter Break since the weekend before Christmas. So has Alex. I was REALLY looking forward to the Break because my students were bouncing off the walls and I caught strep throat, plus I was burning the candle at both ends: I’d finished my Christmas shopping early, got the family to Picture People for the annual family photo and then printed a million copies of the photo, which I sent in Christmas cards; then I’d been busy hosting Thanksgiving (thank God for Marie Callendar’s), celebrating Alex’s birthday, and planning and throwing a pretty awesome birthday party for him. But when Break first started, I was a bit despondent. With the promise of two entire weeks of time that wasn’t structured, I slept a lot and sat around watching too much kiddie television. The fact that my presents hadn’t yet been wrapped, I hadn’t made my mom’s annual Christmas present (a calendar with pics of Alex and Tommy from the year) and my house looked like a toy fairy threw up in it only served to cause me anxiety and add to my blah feeling. By Christmas Eve, I was immobilized, but when the sun set, I was able to pull it together…and fall asleep with Alex at 8 p.m. (He had a high fever for two days, starting on the night before Christmas Eve and ending on the night of Christmas.) When I woke up Christmas morning, I frantically wrapped presents and finished my mom’s calendar. It’s a good thing that George put some stuff from Santa under the tree, because I didn’t put anything in our stockings. In retrospect, Christmas this year was glorious compared to last year’s Eara-is-getting-married-and-moving-and-the-wedding-reception-will-be-at-my-house fiasco. But it just seems like every year, something is neglected and/or forgotten until the last minute. In addition, it seems that I spend way too much time alone with my small child, and my perception of the world gets warped so that I forget that there are grown-ups with whom I can spend time and/or talk on the phone. So then I start getting….needy. Ugh.

Still, there have been nice things about this year’s holiday season. I read and finished a book (The Great Santa Search) and went through a few magazines, though there’s still a HUGE pile waiting to be read; we went to the Science Museum and Alex was able to sit through a whole hour of The Polar Express on the IMAX screen in 3D before we took mercy on the other members of the audience and left; George and I had a good laugh or two as we drove through the Church of Joy’s Celebration of Lights (Alex’s eyes were wide open and glued to his window so he could see everything), especially when the girl at the end said that if we “[felt] the need to pray after seeing all of the lights,” we could stop at their faith center; Eara and I went to see The Nutcracker at Symphony Hall and had the most fantastic seats we’ve ever had; Zoolights was cool, and there were these awesome, purple, LED lights that played tricks on my eyes; a hummingbird came right up to my arcadia door, which I believe to be a good omen; I got to have lunch with my LSP friends RobBob AND Tomika, which was great fun; Alex has learned the rhythm, melody and a lot of the lyrics of Jingle Bells and Santa Claus Is Coming to Town and loves to sing; and finally, though we didn’t get to do The Polar Express on the Grand Canyon Railway, I’ve already made reservations for next year! We’ve even got a couple more holiday events before the twelfth day of Christmas, which is on Sunday (Christmas is NOT over yet, despite Target’s efforts toward making you feel that you’re already behind in your preparations for Valentine’s Day- though really, what is there to do??). Tomorrow night we will be going to McCormick-Stillman Railroad Park to ride the train through their light display, and Saturday night we will visit the Wild Winter Nights at the Wildlife World Zoo for the first time.

Once Christmas is over, I get to go back to work, about which I’m actually happy (a good sign, considering last year’s employment situation), and I get to break it to Alex that no matter how many times he sings it, Santa Claus won’t be coming back to town for a while. Not so excited about this last thing. But it’s bound to be easier than potty training.