Cookies make everything better.

I feel a little more connected to the world today. I can tell because I've actually made phone calls to friends and I want them to call back. It's not always the case- in fact, I have been known to wish for complete alone-ness recently. And Alex and I have played together more throughout the day- and I was actually able to get him juice and cookies before he cried desperately because I wasn't responding to his pulling on my fingers to get me up off the couch. He smiled happily when I said he could have the Oreos (I'm usually chanting, "No more cookies.") and did a little dance. Cookies can fix anything- even a mom who doesn't seem to ever get off the couch is forgiven if she gives cookies. Even though I've felt okay all day, I still feel like I'm being held prisoner by The Dirty Bubble (those of you who have ever heard of Mermaid-Man and Barnacle Boy know what I'm talking about). I can feel happy, but not too happy; I am curious, but not too curious....I can see, but not too clearly because there's a film over everything.

I saw my psychologist today. I have really come to like her and I often feel that sitting on her couch for an hour is really visiting a friend who gets me and George and my issues.... oh yeah, and who happens to be covered by insurance. She filled out my FMLA qualifying paperwork and asked me how I felt about not going to work for a while. Her advice is to stay away from work for as long as possible- like until May 31st. I feel like a loser whenever I think about how I can't even teach half a day. As if feeling like a loser isn't enough, I now may have to take my FMLA time (which may not even be approved because I may not have worked 1250 hours in the last year since I'm only half-time) unpaid because though I qualify for the district-offered short term disability, which pays a measly 66 and 2/3 percent of my salary (still, better than nothing), my psychiatrist has a policy of not filling out paperwork, and that qualifying paperwork must be signed by an MD or DO. George says not to worry too much, since I can probably ask our primary care physician to do it....but it's just one more thing to worry about. I couldn't NOT worry, even if I really, really tried. It's one of the gifts of depression.

Speaking of gifts, a while ago I read about embracing all of life's gifts, including that which brings us intense pain or confusion. So I'm supposed to embrace and accept my depression, instead of being mortified by the fact that my mind "plays" tricks on me by making me believe that things are really bad and can never get better. Obviously, I'm not ready to embrace it, and I don't know how to get ready. I have a feeling that accepting that depression is a good thing is one of my key obstacles. How exactly do I stop feeling like my body is worthless and my mind is weak?

Three words: restless, approaching (versus meeting or exceeding), disjointed
Rating: 7 (an improvement! I actually went out in public and accomplished something today!)