I have something to say.

Earlier this evening, George asked me for a list of Dos and Don'ts because he felt at a loss for how to deal with me right now (we had a major discussion this morning about all of my frustrations with him). I was frustrated by the task at first (I even had one of my inner tantrums….maybe I'll explain those later), but after putting Alex to bed and thinking a little (and also by some miracle), my heart opened up, and here's what came out. Some of it applies to anyone in my life, but for the most part, I thought I'd post it here because it is part of my truth for right now:

Everyday, tell me you love me. And mean it. Don't wait until you are leaving the house or on the phone. I know it's awful, but I automatically assume no one loves me.

Everyday, make an attempt to touch me. Hold my hand or give me a hug, or pat my back or stroke my arm- whatever. Don't expect it to lead to sex.

Everyday, remind me why I love you.

Everyday, tell me a joke, or try to make me laugh. I love that about you.

Every now and then, kiss me (not just a peck on the cheek). Don't expect it to lead to sex.

Every now and then, show me that you're glad I'm your wife. You will probably do this by telling me you love me and touching me, but there are other things, like saying you're glad I'm your wife or smiling at me, or reminding me that I'm more than your son's mother.

Every now and then, remind me why we're together. Help me remember the awesome things about our past and encourage me to think about the good things in our future. Make it clear that you believe there's going to be a future no matter what because I often can't even think about tomorrow.

Every now and then, acknowledge that you are working a lot, but that you would rather be home with me or with Alex.

Call if you're going to be late. For whatever reason, whenever you go anywhere. (So you need to have an idea of when you're going to be home.) But if you go out (either by yourself or with friends), after work, call me at least once so I know you're okay. I don't care when, and if I don't answer, leave a voicemail telling me where you are and when you think you'll be home. And please try to call before you start drinking, or while you're drinking, but before you get too drunk. I'm sorry I'm so demanding about this, but there have been too many times I've woken up and freaked out.

Every now and then, talk with me about the plans you have for us, or the thoughts you have about us. This will show me you actually think about us on your own without my prompting or my questions.

**I will make an effort to do these things more too. But some days, just breathing is a little overwhelming. So please keep doing them, even if I'm not doing my fair share. I am grateful in advance.**

On a more depression-specific note:

Please do not ask me what's wrong. I often don't know and the question ends up frustrating me because I feel like I should know. If you want to know something, try asking a specific question, like "Are you upset about _________?"

Please do not point out that things around the house are bad. I know the dishes haven't been done and the laundry hasn't been folded, and I feel terrible about it. Instead of saying anything, or announcing that you will take care of it (which makes me feel worse because I know I'm causing you extra work), encourage me to help you take care of things.

Please do not expect me to cook. Or make jokes about it. Same goes for exercising and eating and my weight and my hair…pretty much anything about my physical appearance. You can still encourage me to do these things, though.

Please be explicitly clear about how you feel, no matter how good or bad it is. Otherwise my very negative imagination will make things worse than they are. I'm probably going to cry, whether you say something bad or not. But that doesn't mean I'm going to fall apart or that you hurt me. If you feel like it, just sit with me or give me a hug until I stop crying. I usually hate that I cry so much. You are not a bad husband and it is often not your fault that I cry.

Please do not let me sleep too much. Be kind about getting me out of bed, though. Please don't suggest that I'm lazy. I already think I am.

Please understand that I will take care of Alex, but that some of the ways I go about it are completely unconventional. For instance, when I don't feel that I can fight with him, I let him stay up with me until he falls asleep on the couch or on our bed. Or he may not take a real bath every night because I'm so exhausted. But I tell him I love him every chance I get and I hold/cuddle him as much as he'll let me. And I do try to play/read with him several times a day. If you don't feel like Alex is getting something he needs, please don't get mad if I'm not doing it the way you would- but feel free to do it yourself. Please believe that I will never let him go hungry or get hurt (if I can help it, of course). Please trust me with our son, because when I feel that you don't trust me, it only proves my theory that he would be better off without me.

Please do not ever give up on me. I want desperately to feel better, but if you don't think I'll feel better, I'll believe you.

If I call you because I'm anxious or frustrated, please do not ask me what I want you to do. I don't have a clue; I called you because I thought you might help me feel better. Definitely never tell me there's nothing you can do to help me. Remind me that everything will be okay. I always believe you when you tell me, even if I don't seem like it right then.

**I know I'm asking a lot, and as I have said before, if you can't handle it, I will understand. I love you, and I believe that you are the most important person to help me feel better. You can't fix me, but you can help me fix myself.**

Love,
Darna