Roller Coaster Ride

It has been four days since my "breakdown" on Thursday morning in the kitchen. Today is the first day I actually started to feel like myself again. But the initial feel-good period I experienced when I woke up this morning was followed by a terrible low. I was enjoying my son's company when it occurred to me that he may be better off without me. I'd much rather be absent from his life than have him possibly turn out depressed because of an unstable and weepy mother. Though I know that when I'm well this is a crazy concept, right now I can't shake the idea out of my head. I read on a support site for depressed people that the disease puts these thoughts into your head, and you have to fight them. It's just that I'm tired, I guess.

Right now I feel tired and dizzy. And a little bit hopeless, because it seems that a medicine change isn't a good idea right now since tests are still being conducted to figure out what exactly is wrong with my hormones. But then does that mean I have to continue to feel this way? I'm nervous about going back to work and going to the doctors on Tuesday…and I feel oddly jumpy. It makes me wonder how I survived being depressed before I got medicine and the therapy I needed.

Yesterday George unloaded his feelings. While I think it was good for him to do that, it only served to remind me how much of a burden I am right now. I don't know how to help him. When I'm well, I can respond in a way that seems to help. But right now I can't even help myself. I am so frustrated about this!

I'm going to try to include a rating of my day on a scale of one to ten, with ten being really wonderful and one being dreadfully bad. Maybe if I do this everyday I'll see that I do have good days? Or something like that… And I'm also going to use three words to sum up who I am today.

Rating: 3
Three Words: lost, edgy, worried