Affirmations

It has been 53 days (I know, because I just counted) since the bottom fell out from under me, and I am still alive. I'm proud of this. It's scary to admit this now, but there were some touch-and-go moments. Thank God for guardian angels and little boys named Alex! I am a fool if I honestly think that all of that is buried and gone- but I can hope that the next 53 days are more about rebuilding the bottom than falling through it.

I'm not sure I can adequately describe where I've been for the last couple of months, but I can say that it has been dark. I'm not entirely out of the dark yet, but at least now I can see light for longer periods of time. I'm happy about that.

When I first realized things were bad (like when I had to go on short term disability instead of going to work), I accumulated a lot of reading material that I thought would help me get through my tough time. I'm just now feeling like I can actually read without being cynical and wanting to track down the authors to bonk them over the heads with my rubber mallet (I don't have a rubber mallet, since George won't allow me to buy one, but I think owning one would enhance my life, since no one has ever suffered death-by-rubber-mallet but I would still benefit from the therapeutic act of bonking someone on the head). I don't suppose anyone who hasn't been depressed can understand how much it DID NOT help me when people (or reading materials) gave me logical reasons why I won't be depressed forever. When I was having a really bad time of things, hearing about how I'll one day feel better only magnified the fact that I didn't feel better right now. I once said to George that I wish I'd had the foresight to document my gloomy periods before, because then I would've understood how I got to the happy pictures I see of myself all over the place. When I don't feel well, seeing my smiling face in records of time past also emphasizes how bad I feel.   When I feel depressed, I am capable of logical thought. I KNOW that there is much in my life to rejoice over and embrace. I just don't FEEL like rejoicing or embracing. And I completely forget that I once endured and overcame- and more importantly, HOW I endured and overcame. I made a big mistake thinking that I could fix myself if I followed the steps in a guidebook- because depression isn't like overcoming an addiction or "getting over" an unpleasant experience. For me, it's about finding a way to survive by remembering HOW to survive. I just re-read what I wrote, and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I have noticed that I'm not able to say what I mean as well as I have been able to in the past- and amusingly, this still doesn't stop me from saying stuff. I may have mentioned the cognitive effects of my depression before- but just in case I haven't, this particular episode has messed with my ability to quickly process and produce information. I finally get why some of my students with processing issues looked at me blankly right after I gave them directions- it takes a minute for the comprehension to happen.

But anyway, now that I do feel a little better, I'm open to these "pep talks." One of the things I've read about that reminds me about what has worked in the past is making affirmations. When I was in junior high, I somehow came across the same idea, and I made lists of things that I liked about myself- things that made me feel strong. I'm sad that I couldn't even begin to think about creating such a list until now, but what matters most is that now I can, so here goes:

I am a survivor. I have survived a lifetime of feeling inadequate, unworthy, and unwanted.  I can do it.
I am resilient. I can "bounce back" when bad things happen to and around me.
I am strong. I can withstand physical and emotional pain and it won't destroy me.
I am worthy of love. I can give it away and I deserve to get it back.
I am smart. I have good ideas, and even when my ideas aren't good, I can learn from my mistakes.
I am funny. I can laugh and help others laugh.
I have a lot to offer this world. I am leaving it better than I found it by raising Alex, teaching others, sharing, and being kind.