I have a paper to write. I've known about it for almost a month, but I still haven't written it. Luckily, I know I can do this- the paper needs only be a couple pages long. I even have an idea what I will write. I just haven't written it yet. I started the first class in my Training and Development Leadership doctoral program a little over two weeks ago, which is the class for which I need to write the paper. I am REALLY enjoying the reading I have to do, because it's all about considering human potential and recognizing and developing natural talents…all stuff I am interested in anyway. I'm overjoyed about getting to think about personality and development AND earn a doctorate too- it's one of the most wonderful things to happen to me in the last six months. It's lucky for me that I can work at my own pace, since the "class" takes place online. Plus instead of panicking about turning a paper in a week late, I can just work twice as hard for the next couple of weeks and get back on track- all without having my grades suffer negatively. Except for the cost (it'll be close to $50K by the time all is said and done-yikes!), I couldn't be happier about my decision to earn my doctorate. I worried for the longest time that it is a frivolous endeavor, since I can most likely accomplish all of my career goals with a shorter (and cheaper) masters program. In talking with the dean of the College of Teacher Education and Leadership at ASU's west campus about it, I even learned that many women question the need for a doctorate- especially because the process by which one is traditionally earned is less than family-friendly. I can only shrug my shoulders and say that it's something I want to do; something for which I am truly proud of myself. I don't know why, but more than ever before, being accepted into the program has been the most compelling proof to me that I am smart and a hard worker who is worthy of joining the ranks of amazing professors and organizational leaders. Up until I was accepted into this doctoral program, I often thought that many of my accomplishments were somehow the product of really good luck. Sometimes I look back at the things I've done and I'm truly awed…like I'm reading a book or seeing a movie about an undoubtedly fictitious person. In my "everyday" moments, I certainly do not feel smart or amazing; for instance, when I'm stuck in traffic, I don't feel brilliant. But now, as I work toward this huge goal, I feel that a seed has been planted within me, and it's starting to sprout- I'm starting to really believe that I'm responsible for the good things that have happened to me.
I am a functioning mass of numbness when it comes to most everything else in my life at the moment. I say I'm functioning because I don't sit on the couch all day- I actually put some of Alex's laundry away today! But I'm definitely numb, which I suppose is better than feeling a sad rage. I've noticed that I have an emotional cycle- or spiral. I'll feel fine (my medicine works as it should), which puts me at the top of the cycle/spiral. I'll feel a bit on edge, which is a downward motion. If I'm on edge for a while, or things are particularly stressful, I keep "going down" until I get perilously close to "rock bottom." If I am at the bottom, I'm not functioning anymore, which is what I have experienced off and on since the beginning of March (and at other times in my life, like senior year of high school and 5th grade). I can start moving upward again, which is what I think it happening now- and that means I function (I actually get out of bed and take care of myself and others), but I feel emotionally bland. Hopefully I'm going to continue going up. Sometimes it seems that I slipped into this depressive episode and I can just as easily slip out of it (especially because this is all due to wacked-out hormones). When I do feel well, I get my hopes up thinking that my hormones have fixed themselves and I will start feeling normal again. But I saw an endocrinologist on Tuesday who ordered all kinds of tests and asked me a bunch of questions- so the reality is that the hormones are still not as they should be.
This morning I visited a Sonora Quest Labs patient care center (why aren't they just called locations anymore??) to have blood drawn. From what I could understand in doing my Google research, the doctor gave me dexamethasone to suppress my adrenal gland function in order to test my pituitary gland, but also to find out if my adrenals have changed in their output since my last round of tests in February. I felt AWFUL after taking the dexamethasone. It made me feel sleepy and a bit grumpy- in fact, I couldn't really wake up today until well after 11 a.m. Now I have a bit of a sore throat (apparently, this medicine leaves you a bit vulnerable to illness) that I'm hoping will go away. I have not felt that exhausted since the early part of March, which tells me that making myself take several million supplements is helping somewhat (I'm taking multivitamins with heavy emphasis on B and C vitamins and DHEA, as well as a large dose of omega 3 fatty acids, or something like that). In a few weeks, I get to go back to have a butt-load of blood drawn to test all of my hormone levels- if it's a hormone, it's listed on my lab paperwork. My doctor is definitely experienced and wise, but unfortunately, he also has a thick Chinese accent that makes him a bit hard to understand. From what I gathered at my appointment, he wants to make sure there are no abnormal pituitary growths (hence the blood test this morning), and determine the extent of the adrenal fatigue. He wasn't too worried about my irregular periods or my polycystic ovaries, since I have been pregnant and I am still ovulating (hence the periods). For the first time since I started feeling yucky (in November/December), I actually am hopeful that a true diagnosis will be made. Plus I'm glad that I've listened to my instincts and not followed the advice of doctors that wouldn't have solved any of my problems (like the naturopath who wanted to treat polycystic ovarian syndrome or the OB/GYN who told me I most likely had chronic fatigue syndrome). I have another appointment with the endocrine guy in mid-May.
I suffered from severe abdominal pain in my lower left side on Easter weekend. I was worried it was an ovarian cyst (if you know about Eara's experience, you certainly understand), so George took me to Urgent Care. Curiously, the doctor asked me all kinds of questions, did a pelvic exam AND sent me for a CT scan of my abdomen to try and figure out what was causing the pain, but everything appeared normal and nothing suggested my life was in danger, so he finally (and reluctantly) gave me a prescription for Vicodin. But not before he asked me if I'd ever considered visiting a homeopath (doctor who practices homeopathic medicine). I shared that I'd already seen a naturopath, but he insisted that the homeopath experience would be different and possibly more enlightening. Given my adventures through health diagnosis navigation, I agreed I'd give a homeopath a shot. So I'll see one on May 21st. Supposedly, the remedy they suggest will be one that addresses all of my issues, from the depression to the mysterious side pain, to the crazy hormones. Here's hoping.
If I have learned anything in the last six months, it is that I should listen to my body more closely and act based on what it's telling me instead of putting off the inevitable "breakdown." I know now that I probably could've felt better sooner (and possibly have avoided my major depressive episode all together?) had I taken the time to realize that my level of exhaustion was not normal, even though I'd been sick quite a bit and I have a two year old. Ever the teacher, I have to point out the lessons here! I must encourage others to listen to their bodies. Listen to what your body tells you! Pain means you need to stop. Exhaustion means you need rest. Tension means you need to eliminate stress. And be aware of your instincts. Doctors are people who are trained in medicine and caring for us, BUT they are not always right, just like we're not always right about whatever it is that's our line of expertise. Had I not listened to mine, I might be sitting around, thinking I am doomed to always feeling so tired.
No comments:
Post a Comment