What "Crazy" Looks Like

One of the definitions of 'crazy' according to the Google dictionary is: brainsick. If I go by that, I am most definitely crazy, and it was confirmed yesterday when I visited the crisis intake area of Banner Thunderbird's Behavioral Health Center. As I walked in, I saw notices on the doors- something about no food being allowed and purses/backpacks being locked up. But there was entirely too much text for me to get it all as I passed, so I didn't read everything. Maybe if I had, my anxiety levels wouldn't have hit the roof. As soon as the door closed behind me, someone asked for my purse and for anything in my pockets. My belongings were placed in a locker to which I did not receive a key. I was given a clipboard and told to sit in the lobby as I filled them out. The lobby had many chairs, a couple of couches, and some of those convertible seats that turn into cots that are often in hospital rooms. Two people were in hospital gowns, sprawled out on the couches with blankets. A couple other people were dressed, but had hospital bands around their wrists and wore pained expressions on their faces. I immediately felt out of place, and the feeling turned to one of near-panic as I noticed the lobby doors had wires in the windows and could be locked to prevent the inhabitants from exiting. Still, I was fairly confident that I could leave whenever I wanted, and that, along with The Learning Channel, which was on the lobby television, calmed me a bit. Now that I think about it, it's a REALLY good thing I didn't know that you can't even access the crisis intake area unless accompanied by a staff member with a badge, because the door is locked. As in, there's no key and only a badge will make the electronic lock open. Yep, that was a good thing. I wa already frightened enough.

In the last couple of months I have had some pretty bad days, and on more than one occasion I've wondered if I didn't need to be hospitalized to get well. So I looked into it, but when I realized I'd go as many as five days without seeing Alex, it ceased being an option. Luckily, Banner Behavioral Health offers an intensive outpatient group therapy that focuses on recognizing and changing self-defeating behaviors (which I believe are gifts of my childhood that I'd like to get rid of now). I'm way beyond the point of thinking that I can do this on my own (in fact, I am starting to panic by how completely unable I am to help myself these days), and my visits to my therapist with George have turned into marital therapy (even if George isn't there), so I figure adding another form of therapy that focuses more on what I need to do to feel better can't hurt.I waited in that lobby-slash-holding-cell for an hour (during which time a lunch was provided, the most exciting of which was the two chocolate chip cookies provided for dessert) before I was called out by a therapist named Melissa with long, blonde hair and equally long electric pink nails. She took me into her office that was labeled an "interview room," and explained that we had half an hour to decide whether the intensive outpatient group therapy program was a good fit for me. We talked about what I like to do in my spare time; I thought it was interesting that most of the time we talked was focused on positive things, rather than the negative things that brought me to her office. She agreed that the outpatient program was a good idea, especialy because if something wasn't done, I'd probably end up an inpatient at the hospital. I had to complete a Safety Plan that stated my stressors, signs that my stressors are getting to me, and three things I would do whenever I felt myself starting to go into "danger zone." Then a doctor had to agree that it was safe to allow me to go home. Oh, and I had to agree to throw out any extra medication lying around and urge George to lock all weapons in his gun safe (there was an incident about two weeks ago that makes guns a VERY bad idea for me). I start group therapy on Monday afternoon and will go three days a week for four weeks, after which time we'll reevaluate to decide if I need individual therapy that focuses more on me, or if I need to continue group, or if I should just continue the marital therapy.