The Circle of [my] Life

This time of year always causes me to be reflective. Perhaps it's the 200% more sleep I get as soon as Winter Break starts. Maybe it's the lack of children following me around, poking me, and saying, "Mrs. Davis," in varying tones of urgency and at different noise levels (very distracting). Whatever the reason, I have time to think, and if I've learned anything in the last decade, it's that thinking time can be as bad as it is good.

For me, time to think means looking back on everything I've accomplished, relishing the amazing moments and wondering where my brilliance, strength, and/or charm came from. Honestly, I'm still not sure how Alex has turned into such a lively, positive, considerate child; nor do I remember how I survived my consistent fog of exhaustion that was his first year of life.

Unfortunately, I end up spending the bulk of my free time focusing on my mistakes, failures, inability to  accomplish all the fantastic things I thought about doing, and how much disappointment I have caused. I try to be constructive, reminding myself that true power and success have nothing to do with quantity and everything to do with quality and prioritization. And then I end up spending at least one entire day in bed lamenting my inaction and putting my negative soundtrack on a loop so I can listen to it over and over again. Luckily, this year I was able to pull myself out of the dark abyss, though in previous years, that has not been the case more often than not. I see this as progress, even if I am mostly horrified that it happens at all.

I will be completely fine again once the second semester of school starts and I become immersed in work and in the day-to-day routines that I've established for Alex. Truly, doing for others takes away depressed thoughts like nothing else! I'll long for days of having nothing pressing on my agenda during which I spend a very large amount of time doing nothing of note. And I will forget how dangerous time to think can be for me, at least until the Christmas season rolls around again. Maybe when it does, I'll be ready.