Ask and you shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you...

When I was a kid, my mother would often drag Eara and me to funerals because attendance meant indulgences to keep us out of purgatory. We didn't always know the deceased (but I'm hoping my mom did). We participated in countless novenas and prayed the rosary together at our house and the houses of her friends. We went to mass in the mornings when we didn't have school. I can't fathom how many times I've heard the words, "…ask and you shall receive; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened into you…" Let's just say I've heard them a lot, and spoken them in prayer many a time. There are some really good things that came from my mother, and the gift of God and prayer is one of them. God has answered so many of my prayers, and not answered just as many, and I'm grateful.

That said, I had a major revelation about God roughly four years ago, mostly because of the Catholic Church. It's one of the issues I deal with that makes my depression a little more…difficult. My close childhood friends can probably attest to the church time I logged in my early years; I sometimes attended two masses on Sundays because we were so early for the mass Mom wanted to attend that the previous mass was still happening. We went to church EVERY Sunday, because if I dared suggest to my mother that I didn't want to go, I was assured a seat in Hell. Now that I think about it, I feared God's and the Church's wrath and thought of myself as truly unworthy, mostly because my mother made every mistake, no matter how innocently made, seem like one that disappointed God and the Church. (That changed around the time I was 11, which also happens to be the age when I first attempted suicide. But that's not such an issue anymore because I finally dealt with the post-traumatic stress and accepted that it was something I'd done and…well, I've dealt with it and "embraced" it. It's actually a critical piece of my history and probably explains why even though I often think about suicide and ways to achieve it, I would really have to be out of my mind to do it. Life is bad sometimes and I feel such pain that I'd like it to be over, BUT there are people for whom I care so much that I don't want to be the reason for their distress.) When I met George and told my mom I thought he was the one, she asked if he was Catholic, to which I explained that his father was, but he'd converted to marry George's Mormon mother. She stared at me blankly, probably hoping it would go nowhere. When George came home and we lived together, my mother often lamented, claiming she'd failed as a mother because I was living in sin, and she was having to lie to my uncle, the Catholic priest (though I seriously doubt he would've cared too much). When I married George in a civil ceremony, she was crushed that it didn't happen in a Catholic church. And when Alex was born, she was devastated by George's and my decision to not baptize him in the Catholic church. As you have probably figured out, the Church and my mother are practically one and the same; she is still an avid novena participant who goes to mass every chance she gets and pushes for a homecoming between me (and thus, Alex) and the Catholic church.

I'm not sure if it's because I lived and breathed Catholicism for so long or if it's because I'm a natural mystic, but I believe strongly in the existence of that which cannot be explained with logic- so much so that I approach life with a heavy reliance on my intuitive and emotional feelings. I believe in magic, fate, destiny….all of those things, like religion, that aren't tangible and have little, if any, tangible proof to support their existence. And because of my childhood, I have no tolerance for knowingly allowing suffering to happen or going to great lengths to keep the suffering hidden. It's because of this (and the parade of child molesting Catholic priests) that The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown rocked my world, as I mentioned above. I realize that as a work of fiction, The DaVinci Code isn't a good reason to throw out all of your faith in your church and suffer a few years before you figure out what it is you REALLY believe in. But as a work of fiction with several compelling themes that happens to include factual items/places, the book prompted me to do research. It was what I learned through research that gave me lots of good reasons to lose faith in my church and suffer for a couple of years while I tried to decide what I believe in my heart.

There are some crazy concepts out there. But I have to point out that everyone thought Galileo and Columbus were insane for a while. That said, some people believe that because Jesus Christ was a human being, he could've been married to Mary Magdalene, or at the very least, romantically involved with her. Then there are ideas that Mary Magdalene is the Holy Grail, or she gave birth to a child who was the Holy Grail, or Mary Magdalene was the author of the 4th Gospel in the New Testament. I've read books, spoken with others, searched the Internet, and read scholarly articles- I really attacked this research project like my life depended on it. I asked and seeked and knocked. Here's what I received, found, and opened:

First, if we are all created in God's image, then who's to say that God is exclusively male? My belief is that God is an entity that cannot be humanized easily. God is me and you and the folks down the street…..each of us carries a piece of God, which is why there's power in numbers and "no man is an island." God is more than our father- God is mother and sister and brother. Since this is what I believe, I have made a conscious effort for the last couple of years to refrain from using masculine pronouns when referring to God- not always easy. I'm not saying that God cannot be a father figure- just pointing out that God is more than a human male, so when we talk about God, our speech should reflect that.

Second, I believe that Mary Magdalene is a very real part of the history of Christianity, if only because her presence provides proof that our male-dominated notions about Christianity are not necessarily true at face value, especially when we consider that through much of Western civilization's history, men have been so insecure that they have seen fit to eradicate women's contributions from the records. I do not know if Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married or involved, and it doesn't really matter to me. In fact, it's comforting to think that they were because it makes Jesus that much more human. There's a really good website that presents several perspectives on Mary Magdalene: www.magdalene.org, including a link to a well-written paper on why Mary Magdalene is in fact the author of the 4th Gospel, which is commonly attributed to John.

Third, it makes total sense to me that the Catholic Church would make every effort to cut Mary Magdalene (or any other woman) out of its dogma. Mary, the mother of God, is revered, but mostly because Catholics feel she will put a good word in for us with her son and his father (and honestly, when the Church was pushing the Magdalene-as-prostitute agenda, it created a striking contrast to the purity of the Virgin Mary, emphasizing "purity" all the more). The Church is now notorious for keeping things hush-hush (how anyone could willingly keep the actions of child molesters secret is BEYOND me!), and I personally have witnessed suffering because of the Church's law. That's nothing compared to the grand-scale suffering the Church has caused historically- think Spanish Inquisition, etc. The Catholic religion came at a time when a way to control the masses was necessary for empires to be successful- and also, I might add, at a time when a common Greco-Roman belief was that pure love could only exist between men, since women were just for breeding. As a result, I'm pretty wary of any organized religion, though I find myself missing the predictable flow of a Catholic mass every now and then. I just don't think it's a good idea to sit in mass angry and think angry thoughts.

All of this makes my depression more difficult because I'm a heretic, essentially, and that feels a bit isolating given my background. I sometimes wonder if God is mad at me for not staying true to my Catholic faith, and that's why I suffer from time to time. And most significantly, if I can realize that the Catholic Church isn't for me, can I do that with my mother? I'm asking, but I don't necessarily want to receive. All I know is that the idea of disappointing God, the Catholic Church AND my mother is a huge pill to swallow (and I have a strong gag reflex).

Rating: 5 (sooooooooo tired today)