Here's a thought I'd like to share: I am happy and content because I think I am. -Alain-Rene Lesage
I figured it was time to post another entry. I've wanted to, but life keeps getting in my way, which is my polite way of saying that I am often a hostage to the whims of a two year old boy who is obsessed with trains. The good thing about this is that sometimes he gets so absorbed by pushing his little trains around and making the appropriate train noises that I can get something done (or at the very least, go to the bathroom).
I am still on short term disability, but it ends when my teaching contract ends, which is May 31st. When I saw my doctor at the end of April, she said that I still seemed "down." I have no doubts about that, since it's only in the last couple of weeks that my mood has lifted beyond what it has been in the last two months. Looking back, I see that I was at my lowest in the end part of April/early part of May, and now it's as though I am waking up after a long sleep. My psychologist insists that my feeling better has to do with not being at work, since it was a major stressor, and I'm inclined to agree. Today I am a 7 on a scale of 0 to 10 in which 10 is the best possible mood and 0 is the worst. I have been at 7 or higher for a while! I'm also happy to report that a suicidal thought hasn't crossed my mind in the last three weeks, though I did think about one I used to have and think it was completely absurd.
I strongly believe that my improved mood is because I've been in group therapy (three times a week for three hours at a time) since April 30th. At first I was very nervous, but now I can't believe that I ever thought doing this was a bad idea. It is tremendously helpful to hear about others' battles and triumphs, and it has been invaluable to realize that I can control how I feel by learning to recognize what I think about any given situation. That's why I like the quote up above; I have learned that no one event or person can make me feel a certain way, because it's what I think about that event or person that causes the feelings I have. And as I'm sure everyone knows, our feelings have a significant impact on our behavior. It's empowering to realize that I can have control over how I feel and what I do by changing how I think. Especially because my depression often leaves me woefully unable to control my thinking.
I have suffered from depression for the better part of 18 years. It's only now, after a journey of denial, inadequate medication, therapy, secret-keeping, many concerned people, adequate medication, more therapy, and honesty that I am working on my thought patterns in an effort to combat the depression and anxiety. A huge part of me is screaming, outraged that it's taken this long. But one of the things I have learned is that things happen within our lives in their own time. Like the message in Ecclesiastes. There's a wisdom in recognizing that sometimes we're not ready for what is best but that if we are patient and we are listening, it will happen. Apparently, I wasn't ready to work on my thoughts until now; had I not worked through the pain of my childhood and being honest about the fact that I am a victim of emotional abuse, I might not have been open to adopting new ideas. Though I've been seeking it for a long time, I'm just now finding the peace within me. It's high time I actually felt what people have told me they perceive me to be, right??
A while back, I wrote an analogy to explain my experience- I described a maze. (Look through March or April entries if you don't know what I'm talking about.) I'm happy to report that the negative soundtrack I described is less powerful, because whenever I hear a negative thought about myself (my self-talk), I work hard to challenge the thought. Is it distorted? Why do I think that? If it is distorted, I have to figure out the truth. And then I have to accept the truth and replace the distorted thought with the newer, more positive and balanced one (not always easy). This tough work is what consumes my energy each day. But the fact is that it's working, and I'm so grateful to even be able to come up with positive, balanced thoughts that I dare not complain.
