Since I’ve started this blog I’ve had several people contact me to let me know that their spouse suffers from depression and that my blog has helped them grow in their understanding and helped them to become more supportive. I am always so happy to hear this!I've been subscribed to this blog since 2006- it intrigues me that someone is able to eloquently describe some of what I feel. I always feel inadequate in that ability. I especially appreciate this post (written today) because George seems to feel the same way as Jamie's (the writer's) husband, and I've told him so on several occasions. I think she said it best with this line, "To be honest, I could find way more creative ways to get attention than being depressed!"
Today I’d like to share something with you about my relationship with my husband. Its secret I don’t share very often, but I did want to share this truth for those of you in the same boat. The ugly truth is that my husband is not supportive of my depression and it can hurt.
He doesn’t understand it. For example, when I want to warn him that I feel a depressive episode coming on, he asks me what I have to be depressed about. When I tell him that there is nothing for me to be depressed about, it’s an illness that I feel like I have no control over, he tells me to “snap out of it.” I find there is nothing more infuriating than having someone tell me to “snap out of it” – like I wouldn’t snap out of it if I could! I certainly would have snapped out of it 20 years ago when it first appeared.
We’ve been married for 14 years, so he’s heard it all from me. He’s heard all about my serotonin levels and how I can’t control something that is physically wrong in my brain any more than his grandpa can control his diabetes. He’s seen the medication changes, the nausea (from changing medications or changing the dose), the post-partum depression, the inability to function when my depression gets bad (can’t shower, can’t get out of bed, etc.), and the seemingly normal life I can live when everything is under control. And yet he doesn’t really get it.
It’s as though he thinks my depression is something I can control. Sometimes he acts like I “get sick” on purpose for attention. Once again we are back to the “just snap out of it” argument. To be honest, I could find way more creative ways to get attention than being depressed!
I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating this is. It hurts that my best friend and the love of my life thinks that I have any control over the depression that ravages my life. It’s frustrating when he tells me to snap out of it when I physically cannot. It’s painful that he could believe that I would choose to feel and act this way instead of embracing life with the joy I wish I had inside of me.
Sometimes it makes me wish my depression was something that looked physical instead of a mysterious mental illness. I wish he could feel the pain it causes and understand how difficult it really is.
I also wish my husband had the magical ability to know when I should stay in bed and block out the world for a day, and when to drag me out of bed and plan something fun that might chase away the depression. But he doesn’t understand and somehow I accept that and we accept each other.
Now this isn’t to say that I don’t have support – I find support when I need it. I have a friend who understands depression even though she has never suffered from it. Her sister and her mother have both battled depression so she has seen a lot of it in her life. When I’m going through a depressive episode, I ask her to phone me first thing in the morning so that I get out of bed. Hearing an encouraging voice helps me get going on my day – or hearing that her day is tough too (and that a cup of coffee waiting in the kitchen is the only thing that motivated her to get out of bed) helps me feel less alone.
Planning exercise and sticking with it even when I don’t want to helps. A running group, mountain biking buddies, or a bootcamp (I’m looking into joining one in August for some additional motivation) helps. My friends in these groups don’t know my health issues and don’t have to. That’s enough to motivate me to get out.
Sometimes our spouses can’t be supportive, but that’s okay, it has to be okay. I find support where I need it and somehow everything works out.
If it was a matter of just deciding to not feel depressed, I heartily assure you that no one would feel depressed for very long, and they certainly would not choose to rely on daily doses of medicine that are subject to change but that are never truly guaranteed to work.
If you are depressed, please be kind to yourself. Set one goal every day, even if it is as small as picking up your mail, and do your very best to achieve it no matter how horrible you feel. Then celebrate yourself for being able to accomplish something. If you can't get to your goal, be patient with yourself. Chances are very good that you will find a way to make it happen tomorrow. (And as you feel better, you'll find you can exceed your goals!) We are often our worst enemies when we feel depressed because we can't get away from the berating we give ourselves in our heads! Because of this, we must treat ourselves with the same kindness we would offer to any stranger who is suffering.
If you know someone who is depressed, please be kind. Consider the wisdom of Plato: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. For those who are depressed, the battle is ever present, even on "good" days, no matter how much we wish it would go away. It's a cancer that never goes into remission.
