25 September 2009
24 September 2009
10 Quotes that Induce Mindfulness
1 “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” ~ Dalai Lama
2 “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama
3 “There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
4 “If it isn’t good, let it die. If it doesn’t die, make it good.” ~ Ajahn Chah
5 “If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” - Pema Chodron
6 “As soon as we wish to be happier, we are no longer happy.” ~ Walter Landor
7 “Hatred never ceases by hatred; it only ceases by love.This is a timeless truth” ~ Joseph Goldstein
8 “There is no enlightenment outside of daily life.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
9 “Realize that this very body, with its aches and it pleasures… is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.” ~Pema Chodron
10 “When we scratch the wound and give into our addictions we do not allow the wound to heal.” ~ Pema Chodron
A good description of what it's like...
Having a depressed spouse and parent in the family creates a difficult problem. The parents are supposed to be the leaders, the example setters, the encouragers both to each other and to their children. When one of the adults has big mental health problems, this changes the balance and affects everyone.
Here’s how the dynamic can go:
You spouse has found themselves in a deep hole from circumstances beyond their control. This could be health problems, job issues, financial responsibilities that have gone badly, fallouts with friends of family, etc. These circumstances leave them depressed and not functioning well.
You see they are in the hole and try to help without falling in yourself. Up around the edge of the hole, you find a few things that look useful. There’s a map of how other people have gotten out of similar holes, showing footholds and good ways to make the climb up. You find a long rope with knots, which looks like it could hold your spouse’s weight. You also find a few shovels that they could use to change the shape of the hole and more easily climb out themselves. It seems there are other possibly useful things around the hole as you keep looking, but you are sure one of these will work.
You tell your spouse about all these solutions up here at the top of the hole, hoping to provide some encouragement. It is dark down there and they are feeling lonely.
You throw the rope down and tell them how you think they could use it to climb up. You assure them that you and others will hold it tightly as they climb up the knots.
Your spouse tosses the rope back up. Says there’s no way.
Confused but undetered, you toss down the map of how others have climbed there way out of holes like this. You explain that the directions are thorough and they just need to follow them. You will be up at the top making sure the way stays clear of any falling rocks or dirt, and will be ready to grab their hand when they get to the top.
Your spouse tosses the map back up. Says that won’t work.
You are feeling a little scared now, but also more confused. Even a little angry. How do they expect to get up if they won’t try something? You finally toss down the last thing in your hands - the shovel. You say that the dirt looks pretty soft in some places and they could probably scoop it in such a way that they could climb on top of it and get out.
Your spouse tosses the shovel back. Says they won’t do that.
The only solutions that would have worked were if the hole didn’t exist in the first place, or if the ground shifted and made the hole shallower. They can’t possibly do anything to get out themselves.
Well, now what? If your spouse won’t come out, do you and your family just try to live close to the hole now? Do you keep throwing things down hoping something will work eventually? You don’t want to abandon them down there. But you feel torn. Your and your kids want to do things that require you to move away from the hole, things your spouse would have done, too. Except now they won’t come out unless a very unlikely or impossible solution comes along.
This isn’t pretty, but it is a problem many people with depressed spouses or partners face. Depression and other personality traits can trap a person in their own prison. Outside influence seems to have little effect on them coming out. It’s frustrating and can be even depressing for the healthy spouse. They are losing their life partner right in front of their eyes and can do nothing about it.
What about you? Have you had experiences like this, either as the spouse in the hole or the spouse trying to help? What solutions have made the situation better?
My six year-old To-Do List
I didn't go to work today. Alex woke up with a very stuffy nose, redness around his eyes, and a fever. We spent the early morning arguing (actually, he argued as I placed a cup of juice on the table and walked away) over whether he should have chocolate milk or apple juice....then I went to school to make sure a sub plan was in place....then I came home and after doses of Claritin and Tylenol, he felt better enough to join me in playing Lego Star Wars II on the Game Cube. We just woke up from a nap, and now he is lethargically sitting on the rocking chair, watching The Fairly Oddparents.
Since I have some time, I decided to go through my e-mail Inbox (now up to an unbelievable 750 new messages, most of which are not urgent...obviously...) and start with the oldest messages first. I came across an e-mail I'd sent myself, back in February, with a few items for my to-do list: e-mail a teacher about some accomodations for a student (check), and blog about an article I read in O Magazine (not check). My actual to-do list exists in physical form and has been transferred to about three different places over the course of six years. Currently, it is a small, black memo book that I carry around in my purse- the book also serves as a place to write down things I don't want to forget (though I suppose I could enter this into my calendar on my phone...there's just something lovely about writing on paper!).
The article, written by O's regular contributing life coach, Martha Beck, was about three different ways to approach even the most unpleasant of situations and/or people: love it, leave it, or lead it (I will say now that I could be interpreting her message incorrectly; after all, it has been about half-a-year since I read it). What made such an impression on me was that there are actually ALWAYS three different ways to respond- and there is no one best way. How we respond very much depends on who we are, what we're encountering, and whatever else is affecting us at any given moment. When we are aware of this, we will always make a good choice because as I said above, none of the three options is best, and none of them is horrible, given we are acting as kindly as possible.
For instance, when someone (let's say George) has a problem and wants to hear the world's smallest violin, instead of half-heartedly listening I could be George's cheerleader and encourage him to look for the silver lining of his issue. I could love it, love George, love everything....love.....love......love. This response would likely cause him to stop talking to me in disgust...and then I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore. Granted, this is not the "nice" thing to do, BUT there are times when listening to someone complain about a problem that they've complained about every day for the last two weeks wears you down. Especially when you started out listening empathically, brainstormed and offered several viable solutions, and then encouraged and supported George's choosing and following through on a solution. Obviously, George doesn't want to do anything about his problem OR he hasn't realized that complaining has become a habit for him. Either way, if I love his complaining to death, he'll stop.
There are times when it is appropriate to "leave it," though. For instance, I get very weighed down when I stop to consider the problems of the world. This is especially true whenever those problems seem to be affecting one of my students and I am powerless (meaning I can't mandate 100 hours of parenting classes) to do anything. In order to stay sane, I have to leave the problems alone and move on. This is one of my favorite ideas- to let go and move on. Moving on means I can focus on what actions to take and to have some hope- instead of being mired down by all the yuckiness that is poverty and ignorance and a general lack of time.
Finally, the third option is to lead the situation/person to a different place. It requires a commitment of time, effort, and patience, and I think this option offers most in terms of making human connections and personal growth. Martha Beck's article wasn't written to inspire others (at least, I don't think it was); instead, it was offered as a practical way to deal with life's issues disguised as complainers and uncomfortable events. Still, I came away with the idea that if more of us took the time to lead situations/people, the world would be a better place. Unfortunately, not all of us do this- perhaps this is why we're not all canonized as saints?- and maybe that's the best part of being human. We have so many demands on our time and our thoughts- but we also have the freedom to devote ourselves to what we care about most. And since we are all different, so too are our passions. I'm finding that as I get older, I understand better why I can't accomplish everything I would love to do. It's because in the end, I only "lead it" when it really, truly matters to me; otherwise, I'll "love it" or I'll "leave it."
Since I have some time, I decided to go through my e-mail Inbox (now up to an unbelievable 750 new messages, most of which are not urgent...obviously...) and start with the oldest messages first. I came across an e-mail I'd sent myself, back in February, with a few items for my to-do list: e-mail a teacher about some accomodations for a student (check), and blog about an article I read in O Magazine (not check). My actual to-do list exists in physical form and has been transferred to about three different places over the course of six years. Currently, it is a small, black memo book that I carry around in my purse- the book also serves as a place to write down things I don't want to forget (though I suppose I could enter this into my calendar on my phone...there's just something lovely about writing on paper!).
The article, written by O's regular contributing life coach, Martha Beck, was about three different ways to approach even the most unpleasant of situations and/or people: love it, leave it, or lead it (I will say now that I could be interpreting her message incorrectly; after all, it has been about half-a-year since I read it). What made such an impression on me was that there are actually ALWAYS three different ways to respond- and there is no one best way. How we respond very much depends on who we are, what we're encountering, and whatever else is affecting us at any given moment. When we are aware of this, we will always make a good choice because as I said above, none of the three options is best, and none of them is horrible, given we are acting as kindly as possible.
For instance, when someone (let's say George) has a problem and wants to hear the world's smallest violin, instead of half-heartedly listening I could be George's cheerleader and encourage him to look for the silver lining of his issue. I could love it, love George, love everything....love.....love......love. This response would likely cause him to stop talking to me in disgust...and then I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore. Granted, this is not the "nice" thing to do, BUT there are times when listening to someone complain about a problem that they've complained about every day for the last two weeks wears you down. Especially when you started out listening empathically, brainstormed and offered several viable solutions, and then encouraged and supported George's choosing and following through on a solution. Obviously, George doesn't want to do anything about his problem OR he hasn't realized that complaining has become a habit for him. Either way, if I love his complaining to death, he'll stop.
There are times when it is appropriate to "leave it," though. For instance, I get very weighed down when I stop to consider the problems of the world. This is especially true whenever those problems seem to be affecting one of my students and I am powerless (meaning I can't mandate 100 hours of parenting classes) to do anything. In order to stay sane, I have to leave the problems alone and move on. This is one of my favorite ideas- to let go and move on. Moving on means I can focus on what actions to take and to have some hope- instead of being mired down by all the yuckiness that is poverty and ignorance and a general lack of time.
Finally, the third option is to lead the situation/person to a different place. It requires a commitment of time, effort, and patience, and I think this option offers most in terms of making human connections and personal growth. Martha Beck's article wasn't written to inspire others (at least, I don't think it was); instead, it was offered as a practical way to deal with life's issues disguised as complainers and uncomfortable events. Still, I came away with the idea that if more of us took the time to lead situations/people, the world would be a better place. Unfortunately, not all of us do this- perhaps this is why we're not all canonized as saints?- and maybe that's the best part of being human. We have so many demands on our time and our thoughts- but we also have the freedom to devote ourselves to what we care about most. And since we are all different, so too are our passions. I'm finding that as I get older, I understand better why I can't accomplish everything I would love to do. It's because in the end, I only "lead it" when it really, truly matters to me; otherwise, I'll "love it" or I'll "leave it."
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