Darna Betts Davis and the Endless Quest for Serenity, Volume 30 Chapter 10

Here’s a post that caught my eye in my most recent Depression and Bipolar Newsletter:

BIPOLAR, PTSD, ADD, RAGE; WE DONT NEED TO 'FIGURE IT OUT' WE NEED TO LOVE OURSELVES

Hello- I am BIPOLAR, have PTSD, am an INCEST survivor, am 46 and single. I also have a CHRONIC BACK INJURY that disallows me from exercising (my first line of defense against depressions- and i have gained 35 lbs)and my passion- dancing Flamenco. I tried to kill myself 4 months ago-That was the 3rd time in my life. I came very close. My life is pretty empty. My love of 10 yrs. left me, my friends are tired of seeing me so so sad for so long. My job is exhausting, and I would LOOVE to quit but can't find anything else. Seriously. I used to have a large circle of friends, was very productive, excited, creative (I am an artist)- now i watch tv. I see a lot of posts about trying to figure out which emotions have to do with which part of our challenges and as I read them I so strongly feel- it doesn't matter!!! The reason is we all are how we are right now; struggling with meds, personal lives, etc. It's hard- we know that much. We go to our Dr.'s get our meds, go to therapy, if we can afford it...we try to eat right, take vitamins....we try everything! Although we most often feel BEATEN we are not- we are SURVIVORS. How many people do you know could live YOUR life? I think instead of focusing on in which ways we are (insert negative comment here), we could take some of that energy and look at ourselves and see the amazing warriors we are. None of us asked for depression, or imbalanced brains, or PTSD....but here we are. The most important thing we can do, the most healing thing we can do is LOVE and ACCEPT ourselves just how we are. I started to meditate and it helped. When I am so depressed I feel like I am holding myself back from suicide, I squeeze a pillow to my chest and say over and over and over, " I love you, I love you, I love you." So this is my message of love to all of you- I KNOW your pain and suffering. I live it every day with you even though I am over here and you are over there. I Empathize with you, and I know you are doing the BEST YOU CAN RIGHT NOW and that is MORE THAN good enough. May we all find peacefulness, rest and tranquility in our minds

Survived another depressive episode. Of course, I didn’t realize I was suffering one until yesterday, when I fully came out of it. Still, whether I knew it or not, I experienced one. And the most important thing is as I said in my first statement: I survived! I am so proud of myself, especially after being someone to whom the above post really applied.

My intent in starting to blog was to document my feelings and use the posts to help me understand how (and maybe even why) I slip into depressive states, as well as to remind myself that I can…and obviously do… pull myself out of them. The hardest part of feeling depressed is completely forgetting that I am often a happy person. It’s a vast, frightening feeling of being lost. It’s like having amnesia or dementia, all the while without forgetting who I was, but still being unable (and without having a clue what to do) to get back to being that person. Re-reading my last couple of sentences, it doesn’t make much sense, and if I had no idea what I was talking about, I wouldn’t understand. So if you are reading this and are utterly puzzled, please know that I am sorry.

I know what happened this time. I lost sight of my essence. It’s appallingly easy to do, especially because everyone has some “idea” of who you are. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always match who you think you are; this is especially true if you are prone to distortions that cause you to focus only on your negative qualities and prevent you from registering any positive feedback or from providing yourself with positive self-talk. If you don’t hold on to your essence, or your unwavering knowledge of yourself, it can slip away, like a bar of soap in the bath. It leaves you quite vulnerable to being a plane in the air without a pilot, not to mention all the soap that gets wasted.

A while back I read something that caused me to ponder this “gift” that can be the equivalent of an emotional black hole- something to the effect of depression possibly being a way for our minds to organize and focus. Maybe it is more of a gift than it is a curse. Either way, it appears that as I get older and hopefully, wiser, I embrace myself more fully. I’m more tolerant of the limitations my depression gives me, and more than happy to celebrate who I am and what I have accomplished despite this often invisible, undetectable disease. I really am doing the best I can right now. Perhaps the most satisfying thing out of all of this- my piece of serenity, actually- is that in loving and caring for myself I am better able to love and care for others.

What I've Learned since October

I've learned some important life lessons since October. Following is a list (in no particular order) and some of my commentary:

1. No matter how guilty I feel at times about giving birth to an only child, I cannot have another baby anytime in the near future. It might push me over the edge. And how fair would that be, having another baby and having to explain to him or her that the reason Mommy had to be committed was his or her birth? Not fair, I say. So to those who have been wondering, Alex is an only child until further notice.

2. There's something to putting on blinders and telling yourself that you can make it through "X" and that everything will be better when "X" is over. Unfortunately, it's important to make sure that others are aware that everything that is not "X" will get neglected and or thoroughly forgotten until "X" is over, or else some people (like your husband) will be very upset with you. AND, this way of living doesn't work as well as one would think if there are about 500 "X"s on your agenda, some of which demand the same amount of time at the exact same time.... On the bright side, this mentality is what caused me to get through what I can-not-yet-fondly-recall as "The Horrific Month" without a meltdown (see below for more thoughts on meltdowns). So to summarize, compartmentalizing is a good strategy....assuming you have informed all stakeholders and there aren't too many pressing items on your agenda.

3. Holiday meltdowns are inevitable. For me. Especially when the "season" kicks off before Halloween because of the annual trip to Disneyland and doesn't really let up until after New Year's. So I should just have one sometime before Thanksgiving to get it over with and not wait until the week before Christmas... Or maybe I should just have one when it comes and then realize that it's not the end of the world if I have one...because really, aside from some sobbing and tears and a voice in my head telling me to pull it together (thanks, Tomika), what's the big deal?

4. If, for over a month, you don't really get restful sleep and you're living with a stress level that would cause a heart attack or stroke for most people, you are going to get sick. (Just learned that one this week.) And when you do get sick, you might as well stop to rest and try to get well, because you really have nothing if you don't have your health. And you have to miss all kinds of things you've been looking forward to doing/experiencing/seeing because you don't feel well enough to participate. So maybe restful sleep and meditation shouldn't get thrown out the window at the end of October...

WOW

http://jonnycardboard.com/sculptures/sculptures.htm

10 Quotes that Induce Mindfulness

1 “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” ~ Dalai Lama

2 “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama

3 “There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

4 “If it isn’t good, let it die. If it doesn’t die, make it good.” ~ Ajahn Chah

5 “If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” - Pema Chodron

6 “As soon as we wish to be happier, we are no longer happy.” ~ Walter Landor

7 “Hatred never ceases by hatred; it only ceases by love.This is a timeless truth” ~ Joseph Goldstein

8 “There is no enlightenment outside of daily life.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

9 “Realize that this very body, with its aches and it pleasures… is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.” ~Pema Chodron

10 “When we scratch the wound and give into our addictions we do not allow the wound to heal.” ~ Pema Chodron

A good description of what it's like...

When a Depressed Spouse Refuses Help

By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP
June 1, 2009
Having a depressed spouse and parent in the family creates a difficult problem.  The parents are supposed to be the leaders, the example setters, the encouragers both to each other and to their children.  When one of the adults has big mental health problems, this changes the balance and affects everyone.

Here’s how the dynamic can go:

You spouse has found themselves in a deep hole from circumstances beyond their control.  This could be health problems, job issues, financial responsibilities that have gone badly, fallouts with friends of family, etc.  These circumstances leave them depressed and not functioning well.

You see they are in the hole and try to help without falling in yourself.  Up around the edge of the hole, you find a few things that look useful.  There’s a map of how other people have gotten out of similar holes, showing footholds and good ways to make the climb up.  You find a long rope with knots, which looks like it could hold your spouse’s weight.  You also find a few shovels that they could use to change the shape of the hole and more easily climb out themselves.  It seems there are other possibly useful things around the hole as you keep looking, but you are sure one of these will work.

You tell your spouse about all these solutions up here at the top of the hole, hoping to provide some encouragement.  It is dark down there and they are feeling lonely.

You throw the rope down and tell them how you think they could use it to climb up.  You assure them that you and others will hold it tightly as they climb up the knots.

Your spouse tosses the rope back up.  Says there’s no way.

Confused but undetered, you toss down the map of how others have climbed there way out of holes like this.  You explain that the directions are thorough and they just need to follow them.  You will be up at the top making sure the way stays clear of any falling rocks or dirt, and will be ready to grab their hand when they get to the top.

Your spouse tosses the map back up.  Says that won’t work.

You are feeling a little scared now, but also more confused.  Even a little angry.  How do they expect to get up if they won’t try something?  You finally toss down the last thing in your hands - the shovel.  You say that the dirt looks pretty soft in some places and they could probably scoop it in such a way that they could climb on top of it and get out.

Your spouse tosses the shovel back.  Says they won’t do that.

The only solutions that would have worked were if the hole didn’t exist in the first place, or if the ground shifted and made the hole shallower.  They can’t possibly do anything to get out themselves.

Well, now what?  If your spouse won’t come out, do you and your family just try to live close to the hole now?  Do you keep throwing things down hoping something will work eventually?  You don’t want to abandon them down there.  But you feel torn.  Your and your kids want to do things that require you to move away from the hole, things your spouse would have done, too.  Except now they won’t come out unless a very unlikely or impossible solution comes along.

This isn’t pretty, but it is a problem many people with depressed spouses or partners face.  Depression and other personality traits can trap a person in their own prison.  Outside influence seems to have little effect on them coming out.  It’s frustrating and can be even depressing for the healthy spouse.  They are losing their life partner right in front of their eyes and can do nothing about it.

What about you?  Have you had experiences like this, either as the spouse in the hole or the spouse trying to help?  What solutions have made the situation better?

 

My six year-old To-Do List

I didn't go to work today. Alex woke up with a very stuffy nose, redness around his eyes, and a fever. We spent the early morning arguing (actually, he argued as I placed a cup of juice on the table and walked away) over whether he should have chocolate milk or apple juice....then I went to school to make sure a sub plan was in place....then I came home and after doses of Claritin and Tylenol, he felt better enough to join me in playing Lego Star Wars II on the Game Cube. We just woke up from a nap, and now he is lethargically sitting on the rocking chair, watching The Fairly Oddparents.

Since I have some time, I decided to go through my e-mail Inbox (now up to an unbelievable 750 new messages, most of which are not urgent...obviously...) and start with the oldest messages first. I came across an e-mail I'd sent myself, back in February, with a few items for my to-do list: e-mail a teacher about some accomodations for a student (check), and blog about an article I read in O Magazine (not check). My actual to-do list exists in physical form and has been transferred to about three different places over the course of six years. Currently, it is a small, black memo book that I carry around in my purse- the book also serves as a place to write down things I don't want to forget (though I suppose I could enter this into my calendar on my phone...there's just something lovely about writing on paper!).

The article, written by O's regular contributing life coach, Martha Beck, was about three different ways to approach even the most unpleasant of situations and/or people: love it, leave it, or lead it (I will say now that I could be interpreting her message incorrectly; after all, it has been about half-a-year since I read it). What made such an impression on me was that there are actually ALWAYS three different ways to respond- and there is no one best way. How we respond very much depends on who we are, what we're encountering, and whatever else is affecting us at any given moment. When we are aware of this, we will always make a good choice because as I said above, none of the three options is best, and none of them is horrible, given we are acting as kindly as possible.

For instance, when someone (let's say George) has a problem and wants to hear the world's smallest violin, instead of half-heartedly listening I could be George's cheerleader and encourage him to look for the silver lining of his issue. I could love it, love George, love everything....love.....love......love. This response would likely cause him to stop talking to me in disgust...and then I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore. Granted, this is not the "nice" thing to do, BUT there are times when listening to someone complain about a problem that they've complained about every day for the last two weeks wears you down. Especially when you started out listening empathically, brainstormed and offered several viable solutions, and then encouraged and supported George's choosing and following through on a solution. Obviously, George doesn't want to do anything about his problem OR he hasn't realized that complaining has become a habit for him. Either way, if I love his complaining to death, he'll stop.

There are times when it is appropriate to "leave it," though. For instance, I get very weighed down when I stop to consider the problems of the world. This is especially true whenever those problems seem to be affecting one of my students and I am powerless (meaning I can't mandate 100 hours of parenting classes) to do anything. In order to stay sane, I have to leave the problems alone and move on. This is one of my favorite ideas- to let go and move on. Moving on means I can focus on what actions to take and to have some hope- instead of being mired down by all the yuckiness that is poverty and ignorance and a general lack of time.

Finally, the third option is to lead the situation/person to a different place. It requires a commitment of time, effort, and patience, and I think this option offers most in terms of making human connections and personal growth. Martha Beck's article wasn't written to inspire others (at least, I don't think it was); instead, it was offered as a practical way to deal with life's issues disguised as complainers and uncomfortable events. Still, I came away with the idea that if more of us took the time to lead situations/people, the world would be a better place. Unfortunately, not all of us do this- perhaps this is why we're not all canonized as saints?- and maybe that's the best part of being human. We have so many demands on our time and our thoughts- but we also have the freedom to devote ourselves to what we care about most. And since we are all different, so too are our passions. I'm finding that as I get older, I understand better why I can't accomplish everything I would love to do. It's because in the end, I only "lead it" when it really, truly matters to me; otherwise, I'll "love it" or I'll "leave it."

Gifts of the Heat

Last night, before squirting Alex with the water nozzle connected to our hose (an annual tradition in our family that opens water-gun season, which will continue into November), George poured some lighter fluid on a section of overgrown grass in our backyard and tried to burn it with a lighter. (!) He claims he got the idea from me, since I’m always pushing for the purchase of a weed-burning torch. Unfortunately, the grand erroneous-grass-burn-off didn’t happen because, according to George, the grass was too green. I’m thinking that maybe the guardian angel sent to watch over our house by Liberty Mutual had something to do with the failure…but naturally, I can’t prove it, so it’s just a theory. Still, I’m pretty sure Liberty Mutual (and the Peoria Police and Fire departments, for that matter) would frown on this type of creativity with fire, so it’s a good thing his experiment didn’t work.

 

This particular incident, paired with today’s discovery that Alex really does have A LOT of socks despite what I think in the middle of January when I am unable to find any and my sort-of meltdown when I found wood chips in about half of the aforementioned socks (I HATE WOOD CHIPS! They are the bane of my existence.), makes me think that maybe the heat causes the logical/reasoning portions of our brains to malfunction. Alex just now tried to bit off his big toe, providing me with yet another piece of support for my assertion.

 

It’s been a big day of insanity for Alex, who learned this afternoon that yes, if you announce you have to pee but don’t move, you WILL have an accident. He also unearthed an amazing property of scissors (they’re sharp!) when he tried to use them to open some mail. I’m hoping that lesson will stick with him, especially after the fun mother-son bonding time we had as I practically sat on his arm to keep his hand still enough for me to clean and bandage his scissors-related wound. We had so much fun today; I sincerely hope tomorrow is NOT fun.

 

As if trying to burn grass wasn’t crazy enough, George announced that we’re having another child because Alex needs a sibling. Huh? Though I have been known to go through I-want-a-baby phases, I kind of like that I get to sleep a lot more. The fact that my largest concern about bringing another child into the world is that I won’t get enough sleep sheds enormous light on my readiness for this.

 

It’s hot here and people (mainly my immediate family and ME) are going insane. Good thing it’s not going to rain and/or storm to clear the air…..

 

 

 

Sunday Morning Blues

It started on Friday when I checked my school e-mail...the antsy frustration that is all too familiar during the school year due to an insurmountable to-do list and not enough time in which to accomplish much. School is coming. School is coming! I've already spent a significant amount of time brainstorming and mentally forming a classroom layout. I'm already worried about how I can have 1st quarter grades and everything done before I leave for Disneyland (in October). I'm behind, and the race hasn't even started yet!!

On a completely different note, I read a women's health blog this morning (written by an average Jane Doe) that covered such topics as vaginal odor (apparently, it's a serious problem in the summertime, and here I was totally unaware...) and bra washing (somebody's survey found that on average, women wash their bras six times a year....but that's not what was interesting to me, though that is pretty riveting. What fascinated me is that whoever did the survey also figured that the average woman owns 15 bras. What? I'm singlehandedly bringing down the average. Must go purchase 5 or more bras pronto!). I just noticed that I'm using the word average an awful lot. But I can't think of a synonym in my beginning stages of panic and meltdown.

So to summarize, I'm not ready for school and have roughly two more weeks before I have to get into full-teacher mode, but I'm running behind a bus that hasn't even left yet; and I don't have enough bras. Wow, and I haven't even really thought about the fact that NAU classes start sometime in August...

I'm sorely tempted to return to bed and figure out a way to stay there for the next 14 days in order to store up enough energy to make up for the certain deficit I will experience too soon.

My Favorite Bedtime Prayer

This has been my favorite since I read it somewhere back in high school.

 

I thank you for this day of life,
for feet to walk amidst the trees
for hands to pick the flowers from the earth
for a sense of smell to breathe in the sweet perfumes of nature
for a mind to think about and appreciate the magic of every day miracles,
for a spirit to swell in joy.
--Marian Wright Edelman
From the book Guide My Feet

Random Thoughts in Random Order on a Random Day

• I have all kinds of brilliant thoughts when I'm driving, in the shower, sitting on the toilet, or anywhere else where I can't get to pen & paper or a keyboard. This explains why none of my genius ideas have made me rich or famous. It also explains why I now carry a memo book in my purse at all times.
• I have the attention span of a kindergartner most of the time. If I'm not actively engaged in conversation (nodding, asking questions, etc.), it's a key sign I've moved on to other thoughts/pursuits. I am also a slow auditory processor, meaning that sometimes what feels like minutes to me will pass before I "get" what is said. I find that my processing speed slows down in direct proportion with how much sleep I haven't gotten.
• My childhood pet, Arioso, took her last breath back in February. I was there. She literally took one last breath, and let it out, and she was gone, just like that. Since then I have mourned her everytime I hear Bach's Arioso played on the cello (it's the song that gave her the name) because the piece seems to tell the story of Arioso's life. I have also seen three dogs since February who I could've sworn were Arioso...but I honestly don't know if I was just seeing things.
• I am a technophile. I have always been fascinated by computers and the Internet- I am the reason why my family signed on to the Internet in the first place, when I came home with a free trial of a program called Prodigy and insisted my dad install it. My very first job had to do with computer programming (really, this sounds much more impressive than it actually was!). I met my husband on the Internet (AOL, actually), back when it just wasn't done! So you'd think that my husband would understand this and not be so dismayed when I start hyperventilating because I have no Internet access while on vacation (true story: the first two days of our SD trip, I didn't have access. I still am not quite sure how I survived, though I didn't actually hyperventilate.).
• I honestly cannot understand why someone would ruin a perfectly good Chevy, white, full-size truck by spray painting "FU Prez. Pelosi- No new taxes!" in neon orange, all over it (saw this on the freeway on the way home today). But I also cannot understand how you could not realize the need for taxes. There's a reason why taxes are on that list of unavoidable things (you know, the one: aging, death, and taxes)!! People who seriously believe that all citizens would donate enough money out the kindness of their hearts to cover everything that taxes currently provide are not living in the reality that is our country.
• I have sunburn blisters on my arms for the first time in my life. They're not painful and I'm amazed by how easily they burst. However, I just learned that they are also the hardest to treat because they are so easy to burst and are prone to infection (lucky me!). I also just learned that three blistering sunburns by the age of 20 is a sure path to cancer. (See my thoughts above on being a technophile: I am Google-dependent. If Google didn't have some good search results for me whenever I wanted to know about something, I really don't know what I'd do...I wouldn't know anything! Seriously, I even use Google to help me complete assignments...) For the first time in my life, I am grateful to be 30! I also had a cold sore/fever blister (apparently, they are the same thing) from too much sun exposure...I seem to get one every single time I go to San Diego!! Finally, my forehead looks like the dry, cracked desert earth that we see in movie scenes where the story teller is trying to make the point that there is no water. The dark, burned skin is cracking and flaking off. It's NOT a pretty sight, and I will NEVER leave my house without sunscreen on my face (and my arms if I'm wearing a sleeveless shirt) again. Never again.
• The first recorded instance of my love for orange was created when I was in 8th grade. I went through an awkward camcorder phase where I recorded anything and everything, and I have myself on camera declaring my love for orange. That was BEFORE orange became the new pink and all this other madness that has transpired for orange. Though I originally liked orange so I could be different from all the blue-lovers out there, I have come to really appreciate the color- I look good in it, it can be a happy and energizing or even a calming shade, and I still feel a slight disdain for people who claim blue is their favorite color- especially when they say things like, "I don't know, blue? It's the color of the sky." (It's not rational, but I guess it doesn't have to be.) I don't have anything against people if blue is their favorite color (it's not like they went to U of A or voted for GW Bush or something seriously offensive like that). Alas, there is also a record of my affinity for blue back in 5th grade- I wrote a poem about it. So even if I did want to launch some kind of assault on blue-lovers, that one piece of evidence would be tough to explain and would blow my credibility to bits...

I went on a trip...

George, Alex, and I went to San Diego (northern San Diego County, to be most precise) for a week and returned on Friday. What a week! We were busy the whole time, but what will forever be memorable is not the amazing list of places we went, but the "little" things that happened. As I get older, I find this to the be case for almost everything....

For instance, the front passenger window on the Pacifica fell down all of a sudden on Monday morning. George thought that maybe someone had tried to break into the car- nice, huh? We were able to raise the window, but it kept slipping. Finally, on the way home, after its disappearing into the door while I was in the hills on the CA60 going approximately 60 mph, George had the good sense to purchase duct tape in Beaumont and secure the window's closure for the remainder of the trip. We finally got it fixed at the dealership yesterday for the bargain price of $609. Apparently, only $109 of that amount was for labor. The door part actually cost almost $500!

For those who don't know, our family makes an annual trek to San Diego in the summertime. At first it was motivated by my absolute love for La Jolla (which oddly, I haven't visited in four years), but since Alex has taken over our lives (as those of you with children understand), our trip has really been all about Legoland and visiting his friends, "the girls," who happen to live in Oceanside. "The girls" are three lovely young ladies whose mother happens to be a dear friend- she and I did Summerbridge together back in 2000! Every other year we go and stay by exchanging our timeshare week...and in between, we stay somewhere in Carlsbad by taking advantage of great rates on getawaytoday.com. Next year is a Carlsbad year...though honestly, we will likely not ever stay in Escondido again...so maybe every year will be a Carlsbad year!

As though a broken window was not enough excitement for an otherwise lovely trip, we had a surprise visitor on Monday night in our room....a mouse! We stayed at the Villas on the Green at the Lawrence Welk resort in Escondido. We stayed there two years ago, on Alex's first trip to San Diego, and I decided we'd stay there again because the suites are large and the resort always has availability in the summer...it was either Escondido or the Gaslamp Suites in downtown San Diego. If Alex hadn't been with us, I wouldn't have minded the Gaslamp...but anyway, I was in the bedroom, catching up on some e-mail and monitoring our finances when I heard a big thud in the living room. I thought George had fallen off of the couch, so I ran into the other room to see George crouched on top of the couch. Apparently, the sound I'd heard was not him falling off, but rather, jumping on to the couch because the mouse ran over his feet! Seeing as how it was already about 10 p.m., Housekeeping sent someone over with massive glue traps, and whoever was manning the front desk assured us that moving to a new room would be possible in the morning. Fast forward about ten hours- after eating breakfast, Alex and I parked ourselves in the resort lobby as the manager (amazingly young and blonde...I hadn't thought he was a manager, but George assured me he was) apologized to George and handed over the keys to a new suite. We packed and moved in about an hour. In retrospect, we should've known something was up when the crumbs from Alex's food (I was pretty sure there was some kind of vacuum fairy, but I guess it was the effect of too much sun) kept disappearing...

Here's a synopsis of our trip:

Friday, June 19th- left home and took Honey to Bow Wow (dog boarders). Alex cried as we left her and wanted to know why she couldn't sit on his lap all the way to San Diego. Arrived in Escondido right at 4pm check-in time (impressive, since we're always either significantly early or embarassingly late!) and I was overwhelmed by the humidity, but pleased with my hair's ability to hold off frizziness.

Saturday- beautiful day of laziness for me :) Turned out to be fun for Alex. George took him swimming and they saw Kung-Fu Panda by the pool when the sun went down. We also walked over to another part of the resort and went to the grocery store to stock up for the week (paper products, apple juice, peanut butter...necessities when living with Alex).

Sunday- went to the beach in Oceanside with our friends. I got to sit and talk with Lyndsey as George and Alex played in the water, built things out of sand, and got sunburned. It was an awesome day!

Monday- Legoland! (Need I say more?)

Tuesday- San Diego County Fair at Del Mar Fairgrounds. The highlights of the day were the Swift Swine Races (so cute!) and the Turkey Stampede (hilarious!!), though Alex would probably say he enjoyed all the kiddie rides...

Wednesday- Back to Legoland...

Thursday- relaxing morning followed by a visit to the San Diego Children's Museum and Little Italy with our favorite Oceanside family!

Friday- back home to the heat!

The Abrupt End- now what??

It happens EVERY year, so you'd think that by now I would be prepared to deal, but alas, no. I'm talking about the sudden empty schedule I have. All during the school year I look longingly at my scrapbook supplies and remind myself that I'll have time over the summer...and then summer rolls around and I spend at least a week sitting around in a sort of shock as I recover from the effect of abrupt nothingness after nine months or so of crazy juggling. I know I'll be fine, especially once I allow myself the time to experience this, but it's still weird.

Technology is invading my life!

I never thought I would ever do this, but I am now blogging from my cell phone...what's next? Virtual childrearing??

For Sale

I am on a blogging roll...

I have one last post for now: George and I have decided to purchase a twin-size bed for Alex (who has actually slept on his own bed in his own room about 4 of the last 7 days!!) because Alex is convinced that his Thomas bed, which is toddler-bed size, is making him shrink. Who am I to argue with my son's logic? According to him, as a big boy, he should be sleeping on a big bed. So George and I have promised him that he will have a big bed soon.

Right now Alex sleeps on a Thomas bed. It uses a crib-size mattress, so it's basically a toddler bed that looks like Thomas the Tank Engine. If anyone is interested in buying it, PLEASE let me know. Your purchase would include the bed and the mattress, as well as a Thomas toy chest, made of that super durable plastic that children's things are made of. These items are Little Tikes brand. If you're interested, make an offer somewhere at or around $100.

While I'm on a "for sale" kick, we are also selling the Thomas train table that appears in an earlier post on my blog. It's the genuine Thomas the Tank Engine play table, and it's in good condition (Alex drew a little on one side, but it doesn't detract from the table's function). It includes the Island of Sodor play board. Unfortunately, the actual train items are not for sale (maybe some will become available as Alex gets more into GI Joe). Again, make an offer somewhere at or around $100.

We also have a brand new Little Tikes Deluxe Cozy Convertible that we will give away to anyone who wants it. My older sister sent it for Alex's Christmas present, but he is not interested in anything that is not his bike, so we're not going to take it out of the box.

Let me know, and please share this info with any interested friends!

GI Joe and the Gunshooter Daddy

George and I have been diligently working to prepare Alex for various emergency situations. I don't think we made a conscious decision to do this, but given George's line of work, his paranoia because of his line of work, and my worst nightmare ever having to do with something or someone hurting Alex, it makes sense that we should just naturally start.

Alex now knows his full name (and he now acknowledges his middle name, which is a huge thing considering he angrily denied it for almost two years), his father's full name, my full name, what I do for work, and 8 of the 10 digits of his home telephone number. I expect that once he gets his whole phone number, we will teach him his address, his SSN, and the account number of my checking account (just kidding....about the checking account, and possibly his SSN. Does a 4 year-old need to know his SSN?). He also knows how to call Daddy when using Mommy's cell phone, which he used to do often by accident and now does often on purpose (this is a kid who always has a lot to say to his daddy). I suppose we will teach him to use the home phone, though I suspect he already knows how and just hasn't made any long-distance calls to Timbuktu yet.

What is really funny to me is that when you ask Alex what his daddy does for work, he always mentions guns in the answer. This started shortly before his 4th birthday, because before that, Daddy worked at a toy store (if this wasn't an indication that George was bringing home too many toys too often, I don't know what is!). These days, Daddy is a gunshooter (George quickly corrects him, pointing out that the appropriate word is 'gunfighter') who goes to the gun store everyday to get a gun and shoot the bad people like the police. When I point out that Daddy is a police officer (I guess technically he's a detective), Alex says, "Yeah, and he's a gunshooter."

In addition to a connection between his father and guns, Alex has shown a sudden, intense interest in GI Joes and Star Wars figures. Yesterday, George brought out a couple Joes from the stash in his Dungeon (we refer to his room in the house as The Dungeon). George has all kinds of things in The Dungeon, ranging from a treadmill to $70 worth of Star Wars toys that have never seen the light of day and were purchased long before I even became pregnant! So I didn't bat an eyelash when he came out with these dolls (because they ARE dolls! They are called 'action figures' so as to be more appealing to fathers who would otherwise refuse to buy dolls for their sons). He and Alex promptly proceeded to play with these toys, battling each other and making sound effects for the automatic weapon one GI Joe was holding and the swords the other had. They disappeared into The Dungeon for almost an hour, and when I was finally curious enough to see what happened to them, an entire sackful of GI Joes had been released onto The Dungeon's floor and the two boys (because let's face it, George reverts whenever he's playing with Alex) were still battling each other. It was a funny sight that I was not able to photograph, but I did tell Alex that his father had been waiting about five years, from the moment we heard, "It's a boy," at the first ultrasound, to be able to play GI Joes with his son. It kind of makes me wonder what the heck we would've done with a girl!

Another first!

All of the Christmas stuff has been put away at my house! And I didn't swear or cry as I was trying to get the tree into its bag! Last year I believe it was down fairly quickly as well, but not within the first two weeks of January. What an accomplishment for me! It was especially important to get everything down and put away this year since Alex LOVES Christmas and pretty much revolted throughout the entire process. I thought that prolonging his exposure to Christmas-related items might not be healthy, given his obsession. We did end up leaving a tiny Christmas tree in his room so that he can look at it whenever he wants....I put my foot down at leaving The Polar Express and Mickey Saves Santa out to watch all year long! Now we just have to convince him that his birthday only comes once a year...I'm kind of nervous about Tommy's upcoming birthday because Alex will undoubtedly try to steal the show.

The house seems empty without the tree up, but I'm sure I'll get over it. I'm liking that I don't have to be annoyed about Honey knocking ornaments off the tree with her tail!

Some new thoughts for the new year

This holiday season (which, by the way, is NOT over until Tuesday the 6^th) has been one of the best ever for me. I certainly didn’t think so as I was living it, but now that it’s drawing to a close, I can say that it really was. I sent my Christmas cards out late. It caused me anguish because I normally send them out the day after Thanksgiving, but in retrospect, it was fine that I sent them when I did. George and I couldn’t agree on a “family outfit” for our traditional night-before-Thanksgiving portrait, and then there was the issue of not having much disposable income- so this year’s Christmas card photo turned out to be a candid photo taken while we were experiencing The Polar Express in Williams, AZ for the first time. I love the picture because Alex is showing his true personality, and George and I look like the happy and adoring parents we happen to be. The tree didn’t quite make it up “on time” either, but the delay this year was due to Alex’s insistence that he help put the ornaments up- and he did a fantastic job. As George says, he seems to have inherited the “Christmas Nazi” gene.

There were other things that didn’t happen as they have in the past: we didn’t drive through the Church of Joy light before Christmas and we still might not get to it this time around; we got to Zoolights early and waited in line (though George would say that this was a wonderful thing); as of right now we haven’t seen the light display at McCormick-Stillman Railroad Park; and finally, no lights adorned the outside of our house, though they existed in abundance inside the house. In previous years, that these things were missing would be enough to spoil my holiday. However, this year, I am grateful for everything that did happen, from Tommy spending Christmas Eve with us (and refusing to sleep, which made for a very tired Tantee on Christmas morning) to George unwittingly forgiving me this year’s trangressions so that Alex could have an amazing Christmas experience.

For the first time in a long time, instead of getting caught up in getting things done, I was living in and enjoying the moments. I’m hoping this continues through 2009.