I completely forgot that I had a blog! It's not that much of a shock...that I forgot. I can't seem to remember much of anything these days without writing it down, and even then I may not remember what I was wanting myself to remember when I wrote it down. I am fairly certain this is a direct effect of too much stress and my brain is shutting down/limiting function to protect itself from the ridiculously high levels of cortisol. (I just Googled it. I am partly right. And also now concerned that maybe my brain is shrinking and this is why I can't remember much and am in a perpetual brain fog that is rivaling anything I experienced when I was pregnant.) The thing is, I have to muddle through and function anyway. So I do. Because the alternative isn't an option.
It has been at least 6 months since I had a suicidal thought. And it's funny to me that it has been a relatively short amount of time given what I am going through at the moment. My mortality has been thrown in my face recently, and now, not only do I not want to die, I want to live better and with even more intention and consideration that ever. My suicidal thoughts are never very complex. I usually think about how tired I am and how I have nothing left to contribute and will become a burden on all who know me. And then I picture something absurd like crashing my car into a concrete barrier. And then I think to myself, this is insanity and things are not bad enough to warrant action like this. So I move on with my thoughts, usually to something like wondering what we will have for dinner, because that is what life is really all about- making small decisions that have larger implications, like what to have for dinner, whether or not the car can go a few more miles on the gallon of gas left in the tank, etcetera, etcetera.
But back to living and wanting to do it better. It has always been important to be kind and to leave the world a place that is improved because of my having lived in it. It has always mattered that what I do with my days makes others' lives easier and more wonderful somehow. Above all, it has always been crucial to live in a way that aligns with my values and my truth so that I am spending my valuable time on that which I place a high priority and not wasting my time with things that will not matter in the long run. Now, I just have to be better and beat my previous version of myself at living well, being kind, and helping others. The fact that I am older and wiser than I was even just 10 minutes ago means I should be able to do this with some level of success, right?
Part of living better is about truly being in the moment, which is something I have always struggled to do as a result of an emotionally traumatic childhood. One of the gifts of said childhood was a wonderful ability to go elsewhere in my head as a way to get through difficult circumstances. But it doesn't turn off when I want it to, necessarily, so mindfulness is always a challenge. Even when I am enjoying myself and loving what is happening, I am not necessarily present. So that is an area of focus for this Life 2.0 project I'm starting.
Another tenet of living better is making sure I am not only spending time with those I love or with those from whom I can learn and grow, but also explicitly stating my feelings so these people know how much I love and value them. It is saying thank you for little things and not just gifts or actions that normally warrant a display of gratitude. It is no longer taking it for granted that people know how I feel. It is being mushy, deep, and sugary sweet.
Probably the most vital piece of Life 2.0 is being more discerning about what matters in an effort to get the most bang for my buck when it comes to time. Arguing over what to watch on television? Not important. Watching television together? More important. Making sure all of my work is done before listening to my son tell me everything I never wanted to know about the anime show he is watching? Not important. Listening to my son tell me everything I never wanted to know about the anime show and more? More important.
I might die before I get to be much older and get to the fabled "Someday" we all think about. Any of us might. My new question that I ask myself is, "Will this matter if my world ends tomorrow?" Usually, the answer is no. So I need to do the things that warrant an answer of yes.
No comments:
Post a Comment